neti pot is god. end of conversation.
okay, okay...not end of conversation! because I'd like to expound now...
I guess that whole "worse before you're better" statement is true, btw.
yesterday, I thought I was honestly, honestly going to die in bed. I can certainly attest to not recalling one other time that I have ever felt so awful...anyway, I literally ransacked pharmacies and definitely spent a ridiculous amount of money trying to get well before I caved in and bought the neti pot.
I am not exaggerating at all (rare occurrence)...I did the neti pot experience ONE time and within the hour, I felt 85% better.
I also purchased a Vicks Waterless Vapor System and kept it on while I slept. I set the Nyquil aside, as it was numbing portions of my face? yep. that stuff is BRUTAL.
Dayquil does essentially NOTHING to temporary or long term symptoms...
Mucinex made me think my throat was closing up it was so dry..no matter how much water I drank.
I had an allergy to Levaquin...
and the 500 mg of Amoxicillin I take every 6 hours...apparently either took 10 pills into it to have any affect what so ever or the infection was viral?
not sure...my immune system better be golden for the next two years, at least. ugh.
In any case...the neti pot saved me from an experience so miserable that I was actually in tears at one point.
I did a second cleanse tonight...rather painful, slightly disgusting but I've never breathed better!
and I'm feeling alive again!! (throughout most portions of the day, at least) should probably stop staying up until 3 a.m.
also, in feeling significantly better, I thought it would be a great idea to get a hair TRIM.
little did I realize my "one inch please" would turn into 2-3 inches being taken off of the length and the ..."yes, trim the bangs to the cheekbone, please" would result in bangs to my eyebrows...
apparently when I said "oh,oh! no more please" she mistook that for "cut more please." genius.
that's my exciting update! hope all is well with you, my kind blog readers. :o)
Jan 28, 2010
rather than mockery, perhaps learn empathy...
I find very, very few situations in which it is okay to make fun of another human being.
in fact, belittling someone or insulting them in earshot or eyesight...makes me cringe in disgust and sadness.
you don't have to accept people for who they are if you don't want to, sure...but please keep the superiority complexes to yourself.
remember that your good choices and good fortunes are something to be grateful for but not ever, ever, ever something to use to hurt people with..specifically those who don't match you in intellect, health, wealth, or physical appeal.
our circumstances can change in an instant...be good to people.
and if you can't be good to them...at the very least...don't be bad to them.
I find very, very few situations in which it is okay to make fun of another human being.
in fact, belittling someone or insulting them in earshot or eyesight...makes me cringe in disgust and sadness.
you don't have to accept people for who they are if you don't want to, sure...but please keep the superiority complexes to yourself.
remember that your good choices and good fortunes are something to be grateful for but not ever, ever, ever something to use to hurt people with..specifically those who don't match you in intellect, health, wealth, or physical appeal.
our circumstances can change in an instant...be good to people.
and if you can't be good to them...at the very least...don't be bad to them.
Yummy.com to the rescue!
ordered nyquil, dayquil, and strawberry mochi.
oh, threw in some water too..
okay, so it was significantly more costly than it would have been had I had the energy to drive two miles down the street, but two miles on third street in rush hour traffic is really more misery than I care to endure on my one and a half hours of sleep last night and this ever-so-delightful bout of Sinusitis.
ordered nyquil, dayquil, and strawberry mochi.
oh, threw in some water too..
okay, so it was significantly more costly than it would have been had I had the energy to drive two miles down the street, but two miles on third street in rush hour traffic is really more misery than I care to endure on my one and a half hours of sleep last night and this ever-so-delightful bout of Sinusitis.
Jan 26, 2010
So, it's two a.m. and I'm on a writing kick.I've actually stopped dead in the middle of my writing tracks because I became conscious of the fact that there was, in fact, a flow...and that it could very well go on all night. I've stopped to share the two things that I've realized in briefly breaking and in these unintentional, subconscious efforts I must make at forever analyzing.
Pause-- I may have temporarily forgotten one out of two...so hopefully it comes back to me again before this particular blogging that I am doing, ends.
Okay, yes...here are my latest revelations:
1. My writing binges most often and best occur at 2 a.m.
&
2. I've decided that the only logical rationale behind this occurrence is that as the day trudges on and we grow tired, we are more susceptible to all sorts of vulnerable dispositions due to a need for sleep and revitalization. Our defenses are down, the later it gets, and as our defenses and walls come down...something such as writers block loses full effect because... I've decided, at least in my case, my particular writers block stems from the looming failure I apparently, subconsciously insist awaits me. Therefore, mental block creates artistic/writers block...BUT...that wall preventing consistency and abundance is easily collapsed in the face of sleep deprivation.
Perhaps this is only the case though with those suffering from a block for a lack of faith in their capabilities as opposed to one suffering any creative-based block due to an actual lack of ideas?
Anyway, what is a real shame is that I have this flu-like/sinus thing that I cannot figure out is what...and the writing must cease tonight for saving my health. sigh.
Pause-- I may have temporarily forgotten one out of two...so hopefully it comes back to me again before this particular blogging that I am doing, ends.
Okay, yes...here are my latest revelations:
1. My writing binges most often and best occur at 2 a.m.
&
2. I've decided that the only logical rationale behind this occurrence is that as the day trudges on and we grow tired, we are more susceptible to all sorts of vulnerable dispositions due to a need for sleep and revitalization. Our defenses are down, the later it gets, and as our defenses and walls come down...something such as writers block loses full effect because... I've decided, at least in my case, my particular writers block stems from the looming failure I apparently, subconsciously insist awaits me. Therefore, mental block creates artistic/writers block...BUT...that wall preventing consistency and abundance is easily collapsed in the face of sleep deprivation.
Perhaps this is only the case though with those suffering from a block for a lack of faith in their capabilities as opposed to one suffering any creative-based block due to an actual lack of ideas?
Anyway, what is a real shame is that I have this flu-like/sinus thing that I cannot figure out is what...and the writing must cease tonight for saving my health. sigh.
Jan 25, 2010
There's currently a lot going on but my head has taken a quiet change.
Nothing much I would deem negative...just busier than I can remember being last year.
Then again, last year was quite unproductive.
I finally feel like I understand what it is to be content. There is no longing for what I don't have, for what I did have, for what I want (okay, maybe a little of that), but... all in all...I'm a lot less wistful.
Life has it's minor nuisances, but for the most part I'm feeling quite balanced.
Taking it day by day and practicing acceptance in the circumstances I cannot change for the time being or those I have no control over...has really reaped some rewards.
I sound like such the optimistic cliche right now...but what can I say? When you're up, you're up...!
Lately, everything has consisted primarily of lists, responsibilities, and survival. When I'm not trying to take care of me there is a lot of energy being spent on taking care of other people. Which is something I need to focus more energy on balancing. I've reached a point in which I neglect my own health and sanity at the coo and call of another.
And it isn't quite out of obligation, I know what it is like to be...everything outside of happy and healthy. However, in constantly supporting, reassuring, driving, talking, analyzing, emailing, running errands for various people...I lose valuable time that I need to rest and write and brainstorm.
I realized this morning as I awoke to yet another sinus/ear/throat infection (or perhaps the first never went away) that if I don't stop trying to appease people, I'm never going to be fully healthy and creatively functional.
I have the most difficult time with setting boundaries..but I am absolutely determined to set them.
Anyway, this isn't my most entertaining post...but taking the responsible role is seldom entertaining.
That said, I had a few emails wanting a "real, written" blog...so I'm sitting here going through this typical stream-of-consciousness...and on my way to what I hope is a very long night of rest and less sinus suffering come morning.
P.s. I promise to write a poem or a story or at least an attempt at something personal and funny soon.
Nothing much I would deem negative...just busier than I can remember being last year.
Then again, last year was quite unproductive.
I finally feel like I understand what it is to be content. There is no longing for what I don't have, for what I did have, for what I want (okay, maybe a little of that), but... all in all...I'm a lot less wistful.
Life has it's minor nuisances, but for the most part I'm feeling quite balanced.
Taking it day by day and practicing acceptance in the circumstances I cannot change for the time being or those I have no control over...has really reaped some rewards.
I sound like such the optimistic cliche right now...but what can I say? When you're up, you're up...!
Lately, everything has consisted primarily of lists, responsibilities, and survival. When I'm not trying to take care of me there is a lot of energy being spent on taking care of other people. Which is something I need to focus more energy on balancing. I've reached a point in which I neglect my own health and sanity at the coo and call of another.
And it isn't quite out of obligation, I know what it is like to be...everything outside of happy and healthy. However, in constantly supporting, reassuring, driving, talking, analyzing, emailing, running errands for various people...I lose valuable time that I need to rest and write and brainstorm.
I realized this morning as I awoke to yet another sinus/ear/throat infection (or perhaps the first never went away) that if I don't stop trying to appease people, I'm never going to be fully healthy and creatively functional.
I have the most difficult time with setting boundaries..but I am absolutely determined to set them.
Anyway, this isn't my most entertaining post...but taking the responsible role is seldom entertaining.
That said, I had a few emails wanting a "real, written" blog...so I'm sitting here going through this typical stream-of-consciousness...and on my way to what I hope is a very long night of rest and less sinus suffering come morning.
P.s. I promise to write a poem or a story or at least an attempt at something personal and funny soon.
Jan 24, 2010
brilliant artistry by Alison Franchi and Jennifer Aspinall for L.A. Artists/L.A. Aet Show in Penthouse at EVO.
(before finished product...sure to have final photos soon)
seriously, how crazy is this? I kind of want to be a bejeweled, metallic creature forever.
anyway, was really stoked to be a part of this creative collaboration.
Jan 21, 2010
I am noticing little changes in my life that are remarkably better, remarkably more than a year ago...apparently getting out of bed every day and making a concerted effort... and a list, really makes all the difference.
bit by bit, piece by piece, all slowly unraveling...I can see positive changes unveiling.
bit by bit, piece by piece, all slowly unraveling...I can see positive changes unveiling.
Jan 16, 2010
So, I have a 9 a.m. appt. yesterday for some much needed, much prolonged dental work, right. While scheduling this particular appointment, the staff assures me that I will be out of their office no later than 12:30. Which is actually adding an extra hour in for the 'just in case' factor. I was also promised that I wouldn't be experiencing any pain, and it shouldn't cost more than ___X___.Lies, I tell you.
Well, I am rather hasty...so when they told me which work I should prioritize before the rest of the work that could be done later, I basically said let's make it happen like snap, how much can we do in one day and how much will be left?
I even paid in advance. Yep, I'm that girl. Wait, no, I don't actually know what I meant by that. Whatever.
Okay, so, ready for the scoop...? I did not leave the dentist yesterday until 2:30. I sat in a chair from 9 a.m. until 2:30, being tortured half to death with a slew of sharp instruments...yeah, there was even that harmless looking, god-forbidden one in particular.. that slurps up all of your saliva, which they left propped under my tongue packed with gauze for 45 minutes...(and it resulted in gnarly little cuts all under my tongue.)
They must have taken like 18 impressions with some blue-green paste, and when they were finally done, I swear to you, I looked like I fucking ate Gumby for breakfast. You know...that little Clay-dough character we loved as kids. Google it, if you're drawing a blank.
Once, during part of the procedure, she attempted to numb one area in which she soon thereafter began jabbing my gums with yet another sharp instrument and sewing some thread-like material she referred to as a "cord" INTO the area between the tooth and the gums (because that's not scary!)...and when I was quivering in pain and thought I might like do some crazy projectile upchucking, she insisted I should not be feeling anything. Oh really!? Well, if that is what "not feeling" feels like, what the hell is my other option?
I guess when she saw that I had a death grip on the chair and a flood of tears pouring down my face.. she decide to re-numb the area...and guess what...it didn't work the second time either!
Anyway, I have a few more follow up appointments which I'm absolutely dreading. I mean, I totally understand why people have like... dental phobias. I get it. (Dentophobia) That's the term. Easy enough right?
Well, I am rather hasty...so when they told me which work I should prioritize before the rest of the work that could be done later, I basically said let's make it happen like snap, how much can we do in one day and how much will be left?
I even paid in advance. Yep, I'm that girl. Wait, no, I don't actually know what I meant by that. Whatever.
Okay, so, ready for the scoop...? I did not leave the dentist yesterday until 2:30. I sat in a chair from 9 a.m. until 2:30, being tortured half to death with a slew of sharp instruments...yeah, there was even that harmless looking, god-forbidden one in particular.. that slurps up all of your saliva, which they left propped under my tongue packed with gauze for 45 minutes...(and it resulted in gnarly little cuts all under my tongue.)
They must have taken like 18 impressions with some blue-green paste, and when they were finally done, I swear to you, I looked like I fucking ate Gumby for breakfast. You know...that little Clay-dough character we loved as kids. Google it, if you're drawing a blank.
Once, during part of the procedure, she attempted to numb one area in which she soon thereafter began jabbing my gums with yet another sharp instrument and sewing some thread-like material she referred to as a "cord" INTO the area between the tooth and the gums (because that's not scary!)...and when I was quivering in pain and thought I might like do some crazy projectile upchucking, she insisted I should not be feeling anything. Oh really!? Well, if that is what "not feeling" feels like, what the hell is my other option?
I guess when she saw that I had a death grip on the chair and a flood of tears pouring down my face.. she decide to re-numb the area...and guess what...it didn't work the second time either!
Anyway, I have a few more follow up appointments which I'm absolutely dreading. I mean, I totally understand why people have like... dental phobias. I get it. (Dentophobia) That's the term. Easy enough right?
Jan 14, 2010
ugh. too busy to post anything that requires much thought. which means... I'll just post and tell you how busy I am.
how L.A. of me. :)
no... but really. I mean...are we confused yet? good.
apologies in advance to blog readers and friends. (I know you're out there...there's a counter!) at least I'm not talking to myself, is all I'm saying. anyway, apologies in advance and for the past two days,I will be out of touch until at least Monday.
things might actually get worse before they get better, as I will be looking into another part time job. let's see...1 part time job + 1 part time job... isn't that almost equivalent to working a full time job...only those suck. yeah.
no one loves to work as much as I do...
(cough.bullshit.)
how L.A. of me. :)
no... but really. I mean...are we confused yet? good.
apologies in advance to blog readers and friends. (I know you're out there...there's a counter!) at least I'm not talking to myself, is all I'm saying. anyway, apologies in advance and for the past two days,I will be out of touch until at least Monday.
things might actually get worse before they get better, as I will be looking into another part time job. let's see...1 part time job + 1 part time job... isn't that almost equivalent to working a full time job...only those suck. yeah.
no one loves to work as much as I do...
(cough.bullshit.)
Jan 12, 2010
aside from being utterly exhausted...
I am thrilled to death.
exciting things, as well as, what could be exciting things are upon the horizon..
and get this...!
starting tomorrow I'm making a schedule for myself. (gasp)
I'm setting alarms to get up, get things done, go on daily runs or hikes, and staying focused on writing and singing. BAM!
I might even start putting aside any bit of extra income I make on whatever random job it is I'm doing and begin paying off some of the debt I've managed to accrue in 2 years. (I deserve an award for how fast I can spend a paycheck)
the sadder bit of that which I feel compelled to share with you...is that I actually used to spend a lot of time helping friends and family members budget and work out little spending systems. It made me feel good, I just failed to abide by it. how illogical.
must.stop.being.so.emotion-based.
and just on an end note::
fuck depression. fuck it, fuck it, fuck it to hell and back, fuck it up. done.
even amidst the sporadic bout, I cannot stand to waste anymore time than I have already wasted.
so, here I go, here I go, here I go!
let's hope I can stay on track. it would be nice to surprise everyone...including myself, for once.
I am thrilled to death.
exciting things, as well as, what could be exciting things are upon the horizon..
and get this...!
starting tomorrow I'm making a schedule for myself. (gasp)
I'm setting alarms to get up, get things done, go on daily runs or hikes, and staying focused on writing and singing. BAM!
I might even start putting aside any bit of extra income I make on whatever random job it is I'm doing and begin paying off some of the debt I've managed to accrue in 2 years. (I deserve an award for how fast I can spend a paycheck)
the sadder bit of that which I feel compelled to share with you...is that I actually used to spend a lot of time helping friends and family members budget and work out little spending systems. It made me feel good, I just failed to abide by it. how illogical.
must.stop.being.so.emotion-based.
and just on an end note::
fuck depression. fuck it, fuck it, fuck it to hell and back, fuck it up. done.
even amidst the sporadic bout, I cannot stand to waste anymore time than I have already wasted.
so, here I go, here I go, here I go!
let's hope I can stay on track. it would be nice to surprise everyone...including myself, for once.
Jan 11, 2010
I just called my mother at work, who answers her phone about 100% of the time...
And since it is a direct line, it doesn't bother either of us if and when I get the urge to call her while I'm doing things like brushing my teeth, eating, driving...or peeing.
So, I'm doing the last one on that list...and ya know...I've had like a liter of water...as soon as I begin, a coworker picks up her phone and says, "Toni's desk..."
"Oh...um...wow, this is awkward. You can tell I'm peeing can't you."
"Okay, yeah, I'll try her on her cell, thanks"
is there such a thing as being too comfortable?
I wonder if it's just me.
oh well.
And since it is a direct line, it doesn't bother either of us if and when I get the urge to call her while I'm doing things like brushing my teeth, eating, driving...or peeing.
So, I'm doing the last one on that list...and ya know...I've had like a liter of water...as soon as I begin, a coworker picks up her phone and says, "Toni's desk..."
"Oh...um...wow, this is awkward. You can tell I'm peeing can't you."
"Okay, yeah, I'll try her on her cell, thanks"
is there such a thing as being too comfortable?
I wonder if it's just me.
oh well.
Jan 10, 2010
Jan 9, 2010
Jan 8, 2010
okay, so every day that I've been sick I've had just about the worst dreams to date.
like...some of them are so horrifying, I've decided maybe I'll write horror novels or screenplays.
I can't wrap my head around how REAL the dreams look and feel. I envision faces I know I've never seen but that look and feel so real, I can't pull myself out of the dream without reliving them and wanting to write descriptive stories about all of them.
I've been sleeping excessively, too, trying to get well...so the dreams are just one after another after another.
I don't know whether it's the antibiotics or my body struggling to fight the infections off...but there's definitely something going on since I got sick.
In any case, stay tuned...I might share one or two.
like...some of them are so horrifying, I've decided maybe I'll write horror novels or screenplays.
I can't wrap my head around how REAL the dreams look and feel. I envision faces I know I've never seen but that look and feel so real, I can't pull myself out of the dream without reliving them and wanting to write descriptive stories about all of them.
I've been sleeping excessively, too, trying to get well...so the dreams are just one after another after another.
I don't know whether it's the antibiotics or my body struggling to fight the infections off...but there's definitely something going on since I got sick.
In any case, stay tuned...I might share one or two.
Jan 7, 2010
So, I'm reading this book entitled, Solipsist.
Apparently, Henry Rollins is an author AND played music of some sort... of which does not interest me in the least.
I don't care much for him as a musician (or vocalist.. for that matter), but I'm quite impressed with this book in particular. Some might call him brutal...but the sort of sincerity he writes with really draws me in.
Now, my taste in books can go one of three ways...they're either wide-spread favorites, completely obscure, or absolutely hated by just about everyone who has read them. Regardless...I like this one enough to write a bit about it here. So! You can be the judge of what you find relevant or irrelevant in my blogging... and I'll just continue with these random posts and thoughts...
Solipsist caught my eye one wretched, cold night I spent in Waukegan, Illinois. Shut up in a hotel room for a week, I went out on a limb and spent 50 dollars just on cab fare to the nearest bookstore.
When I stumbled upon Solipsist...the title immediately lured me in. I was compelled to read the book in its entirety before even leaving the store. When I thought of all of the airports I would be in and out of that month, I decided to restrain myself.
Some may find the book above all, angst-ridden and even journal-like...but I find it surprisingly relieving.
With that damn Secret book, it's cult following, and the downpour of books quite similar, afterward... I found myself rolling my eyes most of 2009 at the fanaticism of it all.
With that said, I'd like to clarify... I don't consider myself an optimist, pessimist, or a cynic...I genuinely believe I fall somewhere in the middle. Sometimes, I'm gushy and optimistic, sometimes I see in black and white...and sometimes rain clouds follow me for what feels an indefinite period of time.
In any case, Rollin's depravity, sadness, loneliness, and seeming separation from most of mankind...has had me tearing up, chuckling, relating, and often smirking with each turn of the page.
Not to mention, the guy really has a style.. a voice. Even if you think he's a misanthropic pig, you can see that he was certainly literate and talented enough to capture a reading audience...be it small or large.
"I must tell you that I was always afraid of the fury with which I loved you. It overwhelmed me. I thought it beyond comprehension, therefore my silence."
(I mean...really? dude is all sorts of passionate.)
Apparently, Henry Rollins is an author AND played music of some sort... of which does not interest me in the least.
I don't care much for him as a musician (or vocalist.. for that matter), but I'm quite impressed with this book in particular. Some might call him brutal...but the sort of sincerity he writes with really draws me in.
Now, my taste in books can go one of three ways...they're either wide-spread favorites, completely obscure, or absolutely hated by just about everyone who has read them. Regardless...I like this one enough to write a bit about it here. So! You can be the judge of what you find relevant or irrelevant in my blogging... and I'll just continue with these random posts and thoughts...
Solipsist caught my eye one wretched, cold night I spent in Waukegan, Illinois. Shut up in a hotel room for a week, I went out on a limb and spent 50 dollars just on cab fare to the nearest bookstore.
When I stumbled upon Solipsist...the title immediately lured me in. I was compelled to read the book in its entirety before even leaving the store. When I thought of all of the airports I would be in and out of that month, I decided to restrain myself.
Some may find the book above all, angst-ridden and even journal-like...but I find it surprisingly relieving.
With that damn Secret book, it's cult following, and the downpour of books quite similar, afterward... I found myself rolling my eyes most of 2009 at the fanaticism of it all.
With that said, I'd like to clarify... I don't consider myself an optimist, pessimist, or a cynic...I genuinely believe I fall somewhere in the middle. Sometimes, I'm gushy and optimistic, sometimes I see in black and white...and sometimes rain clouds follow me for what feels an indefinite period of time.
In any case, Rollin's depravity, sadness, loneliness, and seeming separation from most of mankind...has had me tearing up, chuckling, relating, and often smirking with each turn of the page.
Not to mention, the guy really has a style.. a voice. Even if you think he's a misanthropic pig, you can see that he was certainly literate and talented enough to capture a reading audience...be it small or large.
"I must tell you that I was always afraid of the fury with which I loved you. It overwhelmed me. I thought it beyond comprehension, therefore my silence."
(I mean...really? dude is all sorts of passionate.)
I can attest to the fact that I've honestly NEVER been this sick before.
Let's go over the symptoms:
-ten tons of drainage
-sore, swollen throat
-watery eyes
-drippy nose
-piercing, throbbing earaches
-cannot hear out of left ear (going on 4th day now)
-have lost 10 lbs...if I lose anymore I can't imagine a great survival rate at that point...and I want my boobs back. seriously, this is not okay.
-exhausted and cant stay asleep
-pulsating headache
-neck ache
I don't even know what to do. I just got home earlier this evening to the antibiotics I stored away in the case that this occurred. I'm on the verge of depression because I cannot handle the combination of so much physical pain and seeing my body dwindle away to nothing. Who's not feeling sexy? MEEEE.
Dear creator, I want my weight back, my color back, my hearing back, and I would prefer to live through this...and since I'm skeptical of all of that being granted...I will tell you now, if I do happen to die...I want my mom getting all of my downloaded music, my grandmother getting my amazing heated blanket, and my sister to know my dying wish was for her to get the fck out of that small town hell hole.
Thanks for reading.
Let's go over the symptoms:
-ten tons of drainage
-sore, swollen throat
-watery eyes
-drippy nose
-piercing, throbbing earaches
-cannot hear out of left ear (going on 4th day now)
-have lost 10 lbs...if I lose anymore I can't imagine a great survival rate at that point...and I want my boobs back. seriously, this is not okay.
-exhausted and cant stay asleep
-pulsating headache
-neck ache
I don't even know what to do. I just got home earlier this evening to the antibiotics I stored away in the case that this occurred. I'm on the verge of depression because I cannot handle the combination of so much physical pain and seeing my body dwindle away to nothing. Who's not feeling sexy? MEEEE.
Dear creator, I want my weight back, my color back, my hearing back, and I would prefer to live through this...and since I'm skeptical of all of that being granted...I will tell you now, if I do happen to die...I want my mom getting all of my downloaded music, my grandmother getting my amazing heated blanket, and my sister to know my dying wish was for her to get the fck out of that small town hell hole.
Thanks for reading.
Jan 6, 2010
I was off exploring on my own..It was new territory...
Hell, I didn't even know what town we landed in.
There I was though, crawling through the brush. Faced with the newest obstacle; this welded, wire fence...this division.
There was me, there was my destination, and it was all an arms length away-- but first I had to get around this.
And how could I be so sure that what appeared to be my destination was actually where I belonged? I suppose it was instinct.
Except, how does one really learn to decipher instinct from impulse?
The outcome will tell all...but by then haven't we already made a decision?
Hell, I didn't even know what town we landed in.
There I was though, crawling through the brush. Faced with the newest obstacle; this welded, wire fence...this division.
There was me, there was my destination, and it was all an arms length away-- but first I had to get around this.
And how could I be so sure that what appeared to be my destination was actually where I belonged? I suppose it was instinct.
Except, how does one really learn to decipher instinct from impulse?
The outcome will tell all...but by then haven't we already made a decision?
Jan 2, 2010
you've changed
and the world feels a lot colder than it ever did before
anyone else...and I wouldn't be half as surprised...
but you? my god...you??
stemming from those petty insecurities...
I see beyond the fear and inconsistency.
remember when you owned you and no one else, not a thing in the world could change you?
remember when you knew exactly who you were...what you stood for?
you've fallen under some social pressure, now
that urge to prove...to possess...to avenge yourself, even
overpowers the urge to love, to see clearly, to feel naturally
you have to show...show them all
you can rise to the top
that there isn't anything you can't attain, can't succeed at
and when you get there
and you hold your trophy proud
(because that's all you'll have)
do you think you'll be happy then?
you're conforming day by day by day
producing this offspring... of lies
and they....they're multiplying in your head, now
until the point in which you've forgotten what you said
you're like a blind, rabid dog
growling and howling, foaming at the mouth
carrying around with you this disease
ready to attack at any moment
enraged that perhaps you've been duped
perhaps you've been wrong...
everything about yourself
that is like everyone else
provokes this need for opposition
this game you play with yourself, the one you play with your pack
divides you from them now
and when you do attack
when you sink your teeth
into someone else's flesh, or what's worse...when you sink those teeth into me...
I know I can forgive you
because I trust that you can't see
and where your instinct was once spot on
it's off now...
and you must have thought I was the enemy
when really...
I was just your friend.
and the world feels a lot colder than it ever did before
anyone else...and I wouldn't be half as surprised...
but you? my god...you??
stemming from those petty insecurities...
I see beyond the fear and inconsistency.
remember when you owned you and no one else, not a thing in the world could change you?
remember when you knew exactly who you were...what you stood for?
you've fallen under some social pressure, now
that urge to prove...to possess...to avenge yourself, even
overpowers the urge to love, to see clearly, to feel naturally
you have to show...show them all
you can rise to the top
that there isn't anything you can't attain, can't succeed at
and when you get there
and you hold your trophy proud
(because that's all you'll have)
do you think you'll be happy then?
you're conforming day by day by day
producing this offspring... of lies
and they....they're multiplying in your head, now
until the point in which you've forgotten what you said
you're like a blind, rabid dog
growling and howling, foaming at the mouth
carrying around with you this disease
ready to attack at any moment
enraged that perhaps you've been duped
perhaps you've been wrong...
everything about yourself
that is like everyone else
provokes this need for opposition
this game you play with yourself, the one you play with your pack
divides you from them now
and when you do attack
when you sink your teeth
into someone else's flesh, or what's worse...when you sink those teeth into me...
I know I can forgive you
because I trust that you can't see
and where your instinct was once spot on
it's off now...
and you must have thought I was the enemy
when really...
I was just your friend.
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