I've been hardwired for disappointment but what is stranger, still, is that the disappointment becomes far less disappointing than what the fear of disappointment actually conjures up en route from head to combative tongue.
so, in essence, my fear is far more powerful than the worst-case-scenario and often times, the two go hand in hand. self-fulfilled-prophesying. I do not want to take part in you any longer. I will not.
Jul 14, 2010
the urge to write lingers somewhere here. I stumble around for it, desperately groping at emotions where I think I've found them. and when it occurs to me that I have found something, I try like hell to hold on long enough that I may produce something, anything...
but it is fleeting and its memory gone quicker than it came.
And so,I find often, that my hands are clenched tight..but holding onto nothing.
but it is fleeting and its memory gone quicker than it came.
And so,I find often, that my hands are clenched tight..but holding onto nothing.
Jul 8, 2010
love is the only thing big enough to make me fight my demons. ward them off. wave them goodbye. send them packing.
darkness, you, you mean nothing to me when this man lying by my side every morning with his mouth slightly upturned opens his big, kind eyes to look at me and smile...
when the very scent of him provokes an out pour of emotion, be it suppressed, or shown through physical gestures.
when he puts his hand in mine and my entire existence warms to his very touch.
there is nothing like it in the whole world. nothing could replace it. nothing comes close. nothing can touch it.
absolutely nothing.
I love this being so completely that his happiness becomes priority.
I see us in fields of overgrown grass, hands clasped, laughing under the sun all day. intoxicated with desire. and always reaching out to hold that comfortable place where even when the spell wears off...we love each other all the more for the mere fact that we're not gods or heroes...for the fact that we're simply humans with a lot of love to share.
darkness, you, you mean nothing to me when this man lying by my side every morning with his mouth slightly upturned opens his big, kind eyes to look at me and smile...
when the very scent of him provokes an out pour of emotion, be it suppressed, or shown through physical gestures.
when he puts his hand in mine and my entire existence warms to his very touch.
there is nothing like it in the whole world. nothing could replace it. nothing comes close. nothing can touch it.
absolutely nothing.
I love this being so completely that his happiness becomes priority.
I see us in fields of overgrown grass, hands clasped, laughing under the sun all day. intoxicated with desire. and always reaching out to hold that comfortable place where even when the spell wears off...we love each other all the more for the mere fact that we're not gods or heroes...for the fact that we're simply humans with a lot of love to share.
Jun 11, 2010
the attention seeking unnerves me.
the appeasement...the inability to think for yourselves or speak for yourselves or be true to yourselves. the desire to swim around in the muck with them. I just want to float on like dandelion seeds, land where I may, maybe inspire something to blossom, to grow. I want to love people but not falsely. I want validation... but for something more meaningful. that I am trying to be good, that I am striving, that we are not wasting our lives basing the very essence of them on who we know, what we know, or what we're doing....but on how were changing for the better, growing, helping and loving.
the appeasement...the inability to think for yourselves or speak for yourselves or be true to yourselves. the desire to swim around in the muck with them. I just want to float on like dandelion seeds, land where I may, maybe inspire something to blossom, to grow. I want to love people but not falsely. I want validation... but for something more meaningful. that I am trying to be good, that I am striving, that we are not wasting our lives basing the very essence of them on who we know, what we know, or what we're doing....but on how were changing for the better, growing, helping and loving.
May 24, 2010
I wake up in the morning to the kindest face I've ever seen.
He opens his honey-gone-green eyes and his entire face smiles at me.
He draws me near and it is difficult to say whose skin is paler in the morning sunlight but it is beautiful, nonetheless. We are drowsy and we are happy. Particularly when we wake up.
The boy, he is sheer love.
He opens his honey-gone-green eyes and his entire face smiles at me.
He draws me near and it is difficult to say whose skin is paler in the morning sunlight but it is beautiful, nonetheless. We are drowsy and we are happy. Particularly when we wake up.
The boy, he is sheer love.
May 5, 2010
overextended.
my life currently consists of work, songwriting, lover-boy, and an occasional meet up with a friend.
I have zero time to clear my head. make my bed. get my laundry done. or anything that I'm quite used to doing.
I know I'm working toward things I love, so I'm trying to keep it in perspective...but DAMN I'm tired.
and a little loopy.
I find that after all of that, interacting with people becomes a bit of a struggle. most of me is in some zombie-like state of survival and the rest of me is desperately trying to fight exhaustion and viruses.
Anyway, I'm happy but I'm too worn out to really express it.
That's my update...kind of pathetic in terms of length and time missed...but I aim to blog a bit again soon.
my life currently consists of work, songwriting, lover-boy, and an occasional meet up with a friend.
I have zero time to clear my head. make my bed. get my laundry done. or anything that I'm quite used to doing.
I know I'm working toward things I love, so I'm trying to keep it in perspective...but DAMN I'm tired.
and a little loopy.
I find that after all of that, interacting with people becomes a bit of a struggle. most of me is in some zombie-like state of survival and the rest of me is desperately trying to fight exhaustion and viruses.
Anyway, I'm happy but I'm too worn out to really express it.
That's my update...kind of pathetic in terms of length and time missed...but I aim to blog a bit again soon.
Apr 25, 2010
my first mistake last night was the champagne. but then I forgot I had any and my second mistake was the incredibly strong vodka/soda beverage I had. I suppose my third mistake was the after-party that went on and on...where I got a little excited about the Hennessey and I caved in and had quite a bit of that, which I followed with a full cup of Vodka...thinking it was water and that I was in the clear. I've slept 2 and a half hours and I'm feeling quite ill. it's why everywhere else I go, I turn down drinks...whatever did provoke this last night? dammit!
Apr 15, 2010
happiness is you.
happiness is the animals..
the cat curled up next to me with his claw digging into my wrist so that I do not let go.
happiness is the 5 and 8 year old here half a week..
even rising out of bed at 6 a.m., when I hear them giggling and whispering loudly about waking me up, I cannot help but smile.
it is jumping on the trampoline with them and knowing I am giving myself some sort of whip lash all the while...
and when their mother joins in
and she and I are screaming louder than the children
absolutely fucking elated!
happiness is going on that cold, late night drive with the wind whipping my eyes so much that we put on sunglasses and then you got pulled over before we could make our grand escape to the beach.
happiness is seeing photos of my sister smiling.
happiness is making my mother laugh.
happiness is you and
happiness is me.
happiness is the animals..
the cat curled up next to me with his claw digging into my wrist so that I do not let go.
happiness is the 5 and 8 year old here half a week..
even rising out of bed at 6 a.m., when I hear them giggling and whispering loudly about waking me up, I cannot help but smile.
it is jumping on the trampoline with them and knowing I am giving myself some sort of whip lash all the while...
and when their mother joins in
and she and I are screaming louder than the children
absolutely fucking elated!
happiness is going on that cold, late night drive with the wind whipping my eyes so much that we put on sunglasses and then you got pulled over before we could make our grand escape to the beach.
happiness is seeing photos of my sister smiling.
happiness is making my mother laugh.
happiness is you and
happiness is me.
Apr 14, 2010
Apr 13, 2010
Apr 12, 2010
Apr 10, 2010
Apr 9, 2010
day 3 of no sugar.
is it sad to confess that I have fantasized incessantly about giant, warm baked cookies...and opened the freezer door and thought about devouring the children's ice cream and blaming it on the brothers separately, so they never know it was me?
I am convinced I cannot sleep because of my lack of sugar intake.
no, I'm not watching my weight...I just consume so much refined sugar that it's had a terrible effect on my health and energy levels.
here's what happenes...
"I'm hungry"
voice in my head: "go cook something"
"nah'
voice in my head: "you'll feel better if you do"
"umm...you do have a...nah"
voice in my head: "well, there is (insert refined sugar product here, here, and here)"
"much better, so convenient"
Anyway, dumping sugar or taking this big break away from each other at least is really rather depressing. All the fun in life suddenly came to a halt.
Oh well, at least there are the raw bell peppers and raw radishes. sigh
is it sad to confess that I have fantasized incessantly about giant, warm baked cookies...and opened the freezer door and thought about devouring the children's ice cream and blaming it on the brothers separately, so they never know it was me?
I am convinced I cannot sleep because of my lack of sugar intake.
no, I'm not watching my weight...I just consume so much refined sugar that it's had a terrible effect on my health and energy levels.
here's what happenes...
"I'm hungry"
voice in my head: "go cook something"
"nah'
voice in my head: "you'll feel better if you do"
"umm...you do have a...nah"
voice in my head: "well, there is (insert refined sugar product here, here, and here)"
"much better, so convenient"
Anyway, dumping sugar or taking this big break away from each other at least is really rather depressing. All the fun in life suddenly came to a halt.
Oh well, at least there are the raw bell peppers and raw radishes. sigh
Apr 8, 2010
Apr 7, 2010
I can, I can, I can, I can and I will.
and if you have anything to say that does not contribute to positive growth and moving forward, you will be severed immediately from my life.
I will not let you become me.
I will remain true to myself.
I will remain happy and I will love no matter how much or how little I receive in return.
pep talks to yourself are necessary...don't be afraid to appreciate and love yourself...but maybe make a point of appreciating and loving others too.
and if you have anything to say that does not contribute to positive growth and moving forward, you will be severed immediately from my life.
I will not let you become me.
I will remain true to myself.
I will remain happy and I will love no matter how much or how little I receive in return.
pep talks to yourself are necessary...don't be afraid to appreciate and love yourself...but maybe make a point of appreciating and loving others too.
Apr 4, 2010
it is relieving again
to find myself in this particular space
with other people
who just want to be there too
for reasons none other than
enjoying each other
and in looking back on today there is an
ability to recognize that...
there's no pretense here
nothing so magnified
as the desire to channel the good
and weed out the bad
we are children by day and adults by night
forever young
but our heads slightly on
with the sun blazing down
on our shoulders
and seeping through tiny holes in my summer hat
there is laughter
and joy
that sometimes I thought I had forgotten
well, it is nice
to immerse myself in the good pool now
and not the bad.
to find myself in this particular space
with other people
who just want to be there too
for reasons none other than
enjoying each other
and in looking back on today there is an
ability to recognize that...
there's no pretense here
nothing so magnified
as the desire to channel the good
and weed out the bad
we are children by day and adults by night
forever young
but our heads slightly on
with the sun blazing down
on our shoulders
and seeping through tiny holes in my summer hat
there is laughter
and joy
that sometimes I thought I had forgotten
well, it is nice
to immerse myself in the good pool now
and not the bad.
Apr 1, 2010
Mar 30, 2010
lie your head on my chest
so I may fork through your hair
and describe all of the moments that I will find there
I've been tumbling with you
in those old Texas plains
and though we haven't left your bed
we've been traveling for days
but when the sky got a little misty
and I broke out in a scream
you did not even try
to inch away from me
wrapped your body firm around mine
placed your palm upon my face
whispered, "baby you will be fine"
took me to a kinder place.
so I may fork through your hair
and describe all of the moments that I will find there
I've been tumbling with you
in those old Texas plains
and though we haven't left your bed
we've been traveling for days
but when the sky got a little misty
and I broke out in a scream
you did not even try
to inch away from me
wrapped your body firm around mine
placed your palm upon my face
whispered, "baby you will be fine"
took me to a kinder place.
Mar 26, 2010
Mar 24, 2010
In my time spent away from Facebook, since deactivating it...I have managed to land a second interview for a job in which I requested 5 dollars more than I have ever made in this specific position before, payed the deposit and first 2 months of rent in a nice little home in Santa Monica, obtained all but one of my 5 W-2 forms (which was quite a hassle), grocery shopped and made a big breakfast (which is incredibly unlike me), AND most importantly, finally, finally, finally sat down and written my novel outline (which I had zero idea what it would consist of or what even my story would be) and now, I have a very specific idea of the exact plot, characters names and personality traits, setting(s), and ending.
I feel brand new.
I feel brand new.
Mar 22, 2010
we used to yearn for simplicity.
we'd say, I'd like to go here and there and away from this...away from it all. see the earth and watch what blooms by morning and dies by night...I'd say, Oh, Morning Glory...and you would understand.
what were we looking to escape, though? small towns? big cities? insincerity? our own awareness?
now, I'm perfectly comfortable positioned here, this way, in this place, with all of this concrete, this glass, these metal scraps.
I don't know where to place my hands anymore, in my lap, behind my back, in your hand...
I've never been more suspicious.
I've never felt more displaced, more foreign, more... expendable.
thinking and feeling and never knowing which or whether are causing harm or happiness. your words were always so poignant but I didn't know then that you were a writer.
there was this earthly aspect to you...
you were strong like the oak tree, fluid like the ocean, gleaming like the sun.
there was never another quite like you.
I wish we could stop getting older, I wish this place didn't change us like it does.
I'm stepping out and aside now to try and remember why I came and what's more what I'll do now that I'm staying.
we'd say, I'd like to go here and there and away from this...away from it all. see the earth and watch what blooms by morning and dies by night...I'd say, Oh, Morning Glory...and you would understand.
what were we looking to escape, though? small towns? big cities? insincerity? our own awareness?
now, I'm perfectly comfortable positioned here, this way, in this place, with all of this concrete, this glass, these metal scraps.
I don't know where to place my hands anymore, in my lap, behind my back, in your hand...
I've never been more suspicious.
I've never felt more displaced, more foreign, more... expendable.
thinking and feeling and never knowing which or whether are causing harm or happiness. your words were always so poignant but I didn't know then that you were a writer.
there was this earthly aspect to you...
you were strong like the oak tree, fluid like the ocean, gleaming like the sun.
there was never another quite like you.
I wish we could stop getting older, I wish this place didn't change us like it does.
I'm stepping out and aside now to try and remember why I came and what's more what I'll do now that I'm staying.
Mar 20, 2010
Mar 14, 2010
mustn't be so neurotic
mustn't think so deeply on one such subject
mustn't scold myself for the incessant spewing of the tongue, rather be more conscientious and aim instead toward a fitting silence
mustn't be so hard on myself
when
experience yields wisdom
and
wisdom yields serenity
well I,
yearn for the solitude
I knew before I ever...
learned to speak
and you,
with your presence
and your peace of mind
inspire me
to redirect my aim.
Mar 10, 2010
-I did a test shoot for the first time in half a year...and I rolled my eyes in that knowingness that fell over me when they mentioned that they would be sticking 50 straws in my head to create an...AFRO.
-hair stylist was soon to be on my shit list for her ceaseless clumsiness with the bobby pins she was scraping against my sensitive scalp, the aggressive manner in which she brushed my hair and her foreign defensiveness (which lasted all night long).
-apartment/studio searching is disastrous. some of the landlords are 75 year old invasive men with scary teeth that tell me how much they like my boots while looking me up and down... I often stay closest to the door in case I need to make a run for it.
these guys must be all kinds of professional at PhotoShop because what appeared to be a nice little place in the ad soon turned into what I consider mystery murder shacks with air is so stagnant I could choke.
then there was the woman with the one eyed cat. I shit you not! there was his eye and...then there was an eye socket missing an eye. which at first you're like, aww, poor, sweet KITTY! and then you listen to her a little longer and you start thinking maybe she's lured you to her house in efforts of chopping you up and placing you in her cauldron where the rest of the suckers like me are brewing...and to think...all we wanted was a place near the ocean with some nice lighting.
I could go on...but I'll spare you. actually, you might enjoy it all, but I'm sparing me the recollection.
-I hit a car today trying to be responsible and wear my earpiece while talking on the phone. first and last time I do that again.
-is it just me or is it currently, bitterly cold?
-I went to dinner yesterday by myself bundled up in multiple jackets wearing no makeup and I got hit on through the entirety of my dinner (from across the restaurant) what up wit dat?
how am I to finish my spicy noodle with this guy and his 21 question game? worst way to hit on a chick, I don't care how cute you are. don't f with my dinner.
-I think there was more but I'm really quite tired.
-hair stylist was soon to be on my shit list for her ceaseless clumsiness with the bobby pins she was scraping against my sensitive scalp, the aggressive manner in which she brushed my hair and her foreign defensiveness (which lasted all night long).
-apartment/studio searching is disastrous. some of the landlords are 75 year old invasive men with scary teeth that tell me how much they like my boots while looking me up and down... I often stay closest to the door in case I need to make a run for it.
these guys must be all kinds of professional at PhotoShop because what appeared to be a nice little place in the ad soon turned into what I consider mystery murder shacks with air is so stagnant I could choke.
then there was the woman with the one eyed cat. I shit you not! there was his eye and...then there was an eye socket missing an eye. which at first you're like, aww, poor, sweet KITTY! and then you listen to her a little longer and you start thinking maybe she's lured you to her house in efforts of chopping you up and placing you in her cauldron where the rest of the suckers like me are brewing...and to think...all we wanted was a place near the ocean with some nice lighting.
I could go on...but I'll spare you. actually, you might enjoy it all, but I'm sparing me the recollection.
-I hit a car today trying to be responsible and wear my earpiece while talking on the phone. first and last time I do that again.
-is it just me or is it currently, bitterly cold?
-I went to dinner yesterday by myself bundled up in multiple jackets wearing no makeup and I got hit on through the entirety of my dinner (from across the restaurant) what up wit dat?
how am I to finish my spicy noodle with this guy and his 21 question game? worst way to hit on a chick, I don't care how cute you are. don't f with my dinner.
-I think there was more but I'm really quite tired.
Mar 8, 2010
I had a tremendously rough weekend...but my determination is only growing.
In fact, I am starting to think that perhaps setbacks whether emotional or situational press me to try harder and become more organized.
Today has consisted of nothing short of organization and scheduling.
Things couldn't be tidier, in their proper place, and what I thought was an endless list of things to take care of has dwindled down to a mere 5 or 6 more tasks.
Patting myself on the back right now!
Though, I do believe tomorrow is going to kick my ass. And Wednesday calls for excessive laziness, seeing as how Thursday is my birthday and I want to put my party dress on.
In fact, I am starting to think that perhaps setbacks whether emotional or situational press me to try harder and become more organized.
Today has consisted of nothing short of organization and scheduling.
Things couldn't be tidier, in their proper place, and what I thought was an endless list of things to take care of has dwindled down to a mere 5 or 6 more tasks.
Patting myself on the back right now!
Though, I do believe tomorrow is going to kick my ass. And Wednesday calls for excessive laziness, seeing as how Thursday is my birthday and I want to put my party dress on.
Mar 6, 2010
A few things:
-I parallel park quite well under pressure (if I do say so myself!)
-I spent a portion of my Saturday night wiping and cleaning a kids ass because he had a bad case of diarrhea (good thing I love him!)
-I am thoroughly exhausted with trying so hard to get ahead again.
-I am spending my Sunday dedicated to finding a nice, cozy place to live on the West side.
-I've been invited to so many cool things and must apologize for the time I've taken to myself, please don't stop inviting me...I swear I'll socialize again soon!
-My birthday is Thursday and I'm making spiked punch...(it's going to be amazing...and if it isn't... everyone better at least act like it is)
-my latest favorite pastime is sitting in bed with a heater fan blowing on me and staring at the ceiling..(how's that for odd and lazy?)
-the cat really gets into it too...he jumps up on my belly and outstretches his neck into the fanning heat and I swear he smiles.
-refrigerated fun-sized twix bars are a cause for happiness.
-I like to listen to my roommate play Chopin on the piano...
-I bought this cute little causal red purse a few weeks back...it's great but it's too small. let's be honest, anyone who knows me knows I've always sported a Mary Poppins bag for a reason.
-this seems very "me" centered...it probably could have ended after praising myself on my impeccable parallel parking and that bit about what I spent some time tonight doing (though I know that's probably tmi for some of you.)
-I parallel park quite well under pressure (if I do say so myself!)
-I spent a portion of my Saturday night wiping and cleaning a kids ass because he had a bad case of diarrhea (good thing I love him!)
-I am thoroughly exhausted with trying so hard to get ahead again.
-I am spending my Sunday dedicated to finding a nice, cozy place to live on the West side.
-I've been invited to so many cool things and must apologize for the time I've taken to myself, please don't stop inviting me...I swear I'll socialize again soon!
-My birthday is Thursday and I'm making spiked punch...(it's going to be amazing...and if it isn't... everyone better at least act like it is)
-my latest favorite pastime is sitting in bed with a heater fan blowing on me and staring at the ceiling..(how's that for odd and lazy?)
-the cat really gets into it too...he jumps up on my belly and outstretches his neck into the fanning heat and I swear he smiles.
-refrigerated fun-sized twix bars are a cause for happiness.
-I like to listen to my roommate play Chopin on the piano...
-I bought this cute little causal red purse a few weeks back...it's great but it's too small. let's be honest, anyone who knows me knows I've always sported a Mary Poppins bag for a reason.
-this seems very "me" centered...it probably could have ended after praising myself on my impeccable parallel parking and that bit about what I spent some time tonight doing (though I know that's probably tmi for some of you.)
Mar 5, 2010
.shitty people. or is it ignorance?
example 1 through...?
a shitty and/or ignorant person might...
-steal your parking spot when they can clearly see that you were there first (with your blinker on)
-lay on their horn for three minutes because you are driving 5 miles below the speed limit in a desperate attempt to find street parking
-press the elevator button repeatedly because their rush is more important than anyone else getting on the elevator
-speed up when you try and get into another lane
-recognize that you're not quite in the line at CVS (does anyone know where those things actually begin, anyway?) so they cut in front of you ...and you wait another 20 minutes to be acknowledged by the pharmacist.
-get to the stop sign after you and proceed to drive first anyway
-drive through your lane from the other side of the intersection when the light gave YOU the green arrow
-hold the door open long enough for you to think it's safe walking through then absentmindedly let go as it succeeds in hitting you in the face
-take up two parking spots as opposed to one
-doesn't stop driving when you (the pedestrian) is walking across a "pedestrian walkway"
-pull up next to you with techno rap booming over your love ballads
-be the guy at the grocery store who assured you 1 paper bag and your 10 items in this particular bag would "not" break...but then it did
-to be continued..
example 1 through...?
a shitty and/or ignorant person might...
-steal your parking spot when they can clearly see that you were there first (with your blinker on)
-lay on their horn for three minutes because you are driving 5 miles below the speed limit in a desperate attempt to find street parking
-press the elevator button repeatedly because their rush is more important than anyone else getting on the elevator
-speed up when you try and get into another lane
-recognize that you're not quite in the line at CVS (does anyone know where those things actually begin, anyway?) so they cut in front of you ...and you wait another 20 minutes to be acknowledged by the pharmacist.
-get to the stop sign after you and proceed to drive first anyway
-drive through your lane from the other side of the intersection when the light gave YOU the green arrow
-hold the door open long enough for you to think it's safe walking through then absentmindedly let go as it succeeds in hitting you in the face
-take up two parking spots as opposed to one
-doesn't stop driving when you (the pedestrian) is walking across a "pedestrian walkway"
-pull up next to you with techno rap booming over your love ballads
-be the guy at the grocery store who assured you 1 paper bag and your 10 items in this particular bag would "not" break...but then it did
-to be continued..
Mar 3, 2010
mood swings at an all time high today.
apartment searching on the west side is brutal, to say the least. I can't find anything remotely decent under 1400 a month.
I was approved for the box on the beach but upon revisiting it with a friend we decided it was not something that I would be happy with, rather something I wanted out of impulsivity and a desire to have my own place.
anyway, kind of want to go to bed for the night and wake up chipper again.
apartment searching on the west side is brutal, to say the least. I can't find anything remotely decent under 1400 a month.
I was approved for the box on the beach but upon revisiting it with a friend we decided it was not something that I would be happy with, rather something I wanted out of impulsivity and a desire to have my own place.
anyway, kind of want to go to bed for the night and wake up chipper again.
Mar 2, 2010
apartment searching with a year and a half's worth of atrocious credit accrued (and all in collections) is...well...rather difficult (even paying a very large sum upfront).
to live in what is basically a thousand dollar, smaller than I ever bargained for box of sorts, right off the beach or not, is the question?
I mean...there's the beach...and all things convenient...and no roommates...but there's the endless amount of noise I fear I will hear that will forever exacerbate the insomnia, the fact that writing songs will still be heard by neighbors, and the fact that the studio is without a stove. (not like I cook too terribly much anyway...but still).
again though, there is the beach. and I am a child again at the sight and sound of one.
the idea of a roommate makes me want to live in a cave. Nothing personal, of course... I feel I need the space to myself merely for the sake of my creativity which I feel like is on permanent hold anyway.
anyway, that's news here. I should also look into some pretty regular work that pays the bills too, as scraping by for almost a year now has been less fun than I imagined and getting heaps of debt off of my shoulders would make for a more sound version of me, all around.
to live in what is basically a thousand dollar, smaller than I ever bargained for box of sorts, right off the beach or not, is the question?
I mean...there's the beach...and all things convenient...and no roommates...but there's the endless amount of noise I fear I will hear that will forever exacerbate the insomnia, the fact that writing songs will still be heard by neighbors, and the fact that the studio is without a stove. (not like I cook too terribly much anyway...but still).
again though, there is the beach. and I am a child again at the sight and sound of one.
the idea of a roommate makes me want to live in a cave. Nothing personal, of course... I feel I need the space to myself merely for the sake of my creativity which I feel like is on permanent hold anyway.
anyway, that's news here. I should also look into some pretty regular work that pays the bills too, as scraping by for almost a year now has been less fun than I imagined and getting heaps of debt off of my shoulders would make for a more sound version of me, all around.
Feb 28, 2010
it was as every Saturday should be...
reuniting with friends, making an amazing early dinner together, movie on the couch...
followed by more uniting with other friends...getting ready together...meeting new friends...
dancing for a good minute...calling it an early night but stopping to get zucchini fries...and then realizing I can't find my purse with my keys, that my phone has been missing all night, that I've locked someone elses car in while losing all of my own things...
it's 3:30 a.m. and has all recently been resolved and located. only the saddest bit of all of this, is that, I've been practicing self-restraint for various reasons and saying no to drinking seems to have backfired. I'm the only drunk girl I know who keeps all of my belongings no matter what...and the only sober one who loses them.
anyway, if you know me...I like to have a specific order to things. I have the essentials I carry...and the backup plans in the trunk of my car. I have to have a plan...or as much of one as possible or I get a little freaked out, which leads to these sort of incidents.
I don't even know if I was always this way or if it was a result of something else...
this isn't entirely entertaining but it is, nevertheless, a brief recap. of my Saturday and uh, it's my blog, so I do what I want.
:P
reuniting with friends, making an amazing early dinner together, movie on the couch...
followed by more uniting with other friends...getting ready together...meeting new friends...
dancing for a good minute...calling it an early night but stopping to get zucchini fries...and then realizing I can't find my purse with my keys, that my phone has been missing all night, that I've locked someone elses car in while losing all of my own things...
it's 3:30 a.m. and has all recently been resolved and located. only the saddest bit of all of this, is that, I've been practicing self-restraint for various reasons and saying no to drinking seems to have backfired. I'm the only drunk girl I know who keeps all of my belongings no matter what...and the only sober one who loses them.
anyway, if you know me...I like to have a specific order to things. I have the essentials I carry...and the backup plans in the trunk of my car. I have to have a plan...or as much of one as possible or I get a little freaked out, which leads to these sort of incidents.
I don't even know if I was always this way or if it was a result of something else...
this isn't entirely entertaining but it is, nevertheless, a brief recap. of my Saturday and uh, it's my blog, so I do what I want.
:P
Feb 26, 2010
Feb 24, 2010
Feb 22, 2010
recoil for a moment... find I've slid into my skin here, swam around a bit in my own depths, surfaced again, shortly thereafter, only to make an appearance back out of the shell.
one slow foot in front of the other, I see the finish line...and I won't race to get there. besides, the view is quite nice, and I want to take it in, too.
one slow foot in front of the other, I see the finish line...and I won't race to get there. besides, the view is quite nice, and I want to take it in, too.
Feb 19, 2010
I could definitely use some coddling, so by all means, bring on the baby talk! I won't even feel undermined, honestly, I'll just take it for what it's worth.
the "mass amount of energy" I wrote of yesterday quickly dwindled down to nothing today as I attended both jobs and so conveniently forgot to eat through out the majority of my day and night.
the occasional late night spent devoted to work and making some extra dough is almost not worth it, when I spend an hour desperately seeking parking afterward, only to awake in the morning with another parking ticket to add to my impressive collection because I...apparently don't know how to read signs past a certain level of frustration.
I don't mind the run-on sentence, I don't.
anyway, not to sound entirely pessimistic or run down...there was this interesting skunk sighting on my stroll home tonight. one little skunk trotting after another little skunk. a smelly love affair, no doubt, but everybody's gotta mate sometime, yeah? yeah.
plus, the cat's curled up next to me, happy to have reunited...we have been quite distant here recently with my sudden change in schedule.
looking forward to sleeping past 7 a.m. tomorrow and hoping you're all revitalized out there, too!
the "mass amount of energy" I wrote of yesterday quickly dwindled down to nothing today as I attended both jobs and so conveniently forgot to eat through out the majority of my day and night.
the occasional late night spent devoted to work and making some extra dough is almost not worth it, when I spend an hour desperately seeking parking afterward, only to awake in the morning with another parking ticket to add to my impressive collection because I...apparently don't know how to read signs past a certain level of frustration.
I don't mind the run-on sentence, I don't.
anyway, not to sound entirely pessimistic or run down...there was this interesting skunk sighting on my stroll home tonight. one little skunk trotting after another little skunk. a smelly love affair, no doubt, but everybody's gotta mate sometime, yeah? yeah.
plus, the cat's curled up next to me, happy to have reunited...we have been quite distant here recently with my sudden change in schedule.
looking forward to sleeping past 7 a.m. tomorrow and hoping you're all revitalized out there, too!
Feb 18, 2010
Feb 17, 2010
wow, I am suddenly a "normal" human being (as my mother would put it.) getting up at the crack of dawn to do "office-like work" by day and in bed by night.
ironically enough, the only point in which I obtain slews of parking tickets always begins and ends with these sort of "normal" obligations and work habits.
in any case, I'm just trying to mix a little "with the flow-go" and "stability." fine tuning...that's okay, yeah?
the vitamins seem to be rewarding my body with mass amounts of energy and less fatigue..though I will say...6 a.m. does bring with it a bit of exhaustion and delirium.
I don't even know if vitamins kick in that quickly...I am loading up, though.
anyway, the busier I am, the less I have to dissect ever single, solitary thing that makes up the earth and human behavior...so that's a plus.
I did experience an unusual bout of anxiety today...but I think that's in knowing that for a large portion of the day I cannot simply power nap, read a few chapters of a book, go for a walk or entertain writing.
but there is the discipline aspect of things...so, again, I'm taking this day by day and just doing my best to improve my life quality and others (if and when possible.)
ironically enough, the only point in which I obtain slews of parking tickets always begins and ends with these sort of "normal" obligations and work habits.
in any case, I'm just trying to mix a little "with the flow-go" and "stability." fine tuning...that's okay, yeah?
the vitamins seem to be rewarding my body with mass amounts of energy and less fatigue..though I will say...6 a.m. does bring with it a bit of exhaustion and delirium.
I don't even know if vitamins kick in that quickly...I am loading up, though.
anyway, the busier I am, the less I have to dissect ever single, solitary thing that makes up the earth and human behavior...so that's a plus.
I did experience an unusual bout of anxiety today...but I think that's in knowing that for a large portion of the day I cannot simply power nap, read a few chapters of a book, go for a walk or entertain writing.
but there is the discipline aspect of things...so, again, I'm taking this day by day and just doing my best to improve my life quality and others (if and when possible.)
Feb 16, 2010
I've come to realize that when you have outside opinions explaining the "hows" and the "whys" and the "what's what..." it just muddles everything. Absolutely everything.
If what I've sought cannot be found..or I am doing my usual (fine) job of creating fiction amid a looming reality...I generally still choose to run with the fantasy. (That's where I want to be.) With the fantasy...
Even a story has to end...so why abandon it half way through? Me, I'll see it through.
Eventually, the truth of any circumstance will surface, will reveal itself.
Like nature, we cannot stop that which is already on the way.
All the preparation in the world won't hide the destruction that disaster creates upon arrival.
It is what we choose to gather in survival, what we steadfastly hold onto...it is the precious few things that we keep near enough to us, to want to save, to keep amidst the havoc.
If what I've sought cannot be found..or I am doing my usual (fine) job of creating fiction amid a looming reality...I generally still choose to run with the fantasy. (That's where I want to be.) With the fantasy...
Even a story has to end...so why abandon it half way through? Me, I'll see it through.
Eventually, the truth of any circumstance will surface, will reveal itself.
Like nature, we cannot stop that which is already on the way.
All the preparation in the world won't hide the destruction that disaster creates upon arrival.
It is what we choose to gather in survival, what we steadfastly hold onto...it is the precious few things that we keep near enough to us, to want to save, to keep amidst the havoc.
Feb 15, 2010
Feb 11, 2010
Intermuscular b12 shot-check
vitamin c (1000 mg)-check
pomegranate extract antioxidant (healthy source of energy)-check
omega 3-6-9--check
3 glasses of orange juice-check
3 meals today-check
new cell phone number, email, comment approval on blog, and specific blockage on facebook to where no one at this point who is not my friend can even search for me--check
now crossing fingers for a nights rest and avoiding the regular insomnia...
get healthy, that's the plan...!
not worry about things that need not be worried about, that's the plan.
second job searching, that's the plan.
apartment searching for April, that's the plan.
collaboration with musicians by May, that's the plan.
And guess what...I don't make a plan to make plans...I put it into action, even if it takes me a good minute.
I am pale and tired looking. I feel like I'm getting so old but I'm ready to reverse that! I get so numb sometimes focusing on survival, trying to ignore my heart, trying to keep balanced with my rest and health.
my body is so incredibly sensitive to change, to excess, to routine, to climate, to stress, to extremes...I am going to get back into meditating, join a gym Monday, figure out my finances yet again, get to sleep even if I have to get a prescription temporarily.
I want to be balanced. I am determined. I am so, so close. I want to be closer.
no more bad energy, soul sucking, verbal abuse, manipulation, sleep deprivation, or laziness.
I will get up and out and on and I will make my life everything that I have imagined it to be and I will love me so much that the love of another isn't even necessary...just a nice added bonus.
vitamin c (1000 mg)-check
pomegranate extract antioxidant (healthy source of energy)-check
omega 3-6-9--check
3 glasses of orange juice-check
3 meals today-check
new cell phone number, email, comment approval on blog, and specific blockage on facebook to where no one at this point who is not my friend can even search for me--check
now crossing fingers for a nights rest and avoiding the regular insomnia...
get healthy, that's the plan...!
not worry about things that need not be worried about, that's the plan.
second job searching, that's the plan.
apartment searching for April, that's the plan.
collaboration with musicians by May, that's the plan.
And guess what...I don't make a plan to make plans...I put it into action, even if it takes me a good minute.
I am pale and tired looking. I feel like I'm getting so old but I'm ready to reverse that! I get so numb sometimes focusing on survival, trying to ignore my heart, trying to keep balanced with my rest and health.
my body is so incredibly sensitive to change, to excess, to routine, to climate, to stress, to extremes...I am going to get back into meditating, join a gym Monday, figure out my finances yet again, get to sleep even if I have to get a prescription temporarily.
I want to be balanced. I am determined. I am so, so close. I want to be closer.
no more bad energy, soul sucking, verbal abuse, manipulation, sleep deprivation, or laziness.
I will get up and out and on and I will make my life everything that I have imagined it to be and I will love me so much that the love of another isn't even necessary...just a nice added bonus.
Feb 10, 2010
When I write, I generally write from either personal experience or observing others personal experiences that have deeply affected or impacted my own life.
I write for therapeutic reasoning, for self-expression, for others to find relation here in my writing...
My aim is not to hurt, my aim is not to violate...but my experiences are something that I do feel a desire to share.
My mother never cared much for it, but I've been this way my entire life. She has always said, "Kayleigh will be Kayleigh and no one can stop her."
Which was true...until it wasn't. There were all of these years, so many of them there were, in fact...where I was not Kayleigh and people could stop me...and very easily.
I grew up feeling so ostracized that I began altering myself to the liking of others. In school, I was "weird," I was "crazy," and I was "different." There were so many labels and none of them ever made me feel good about myself.
I didn't fit into any specific clique because everyone was scared to be my friend at the expense of what others would say. I cannot tell you how many dozens of long, inspiring emails I received AFTER I graduated from peers admitting that they had secretly always wanted to be closer to me and I had on occasion even changed someones life, (in their own words.), etc.
When I received these messages at various points in a three year period...I began to see a bit more clearly, but undoing years of rejection was obviously going to take a lot more than a dozen emails.
It has taken me at least five years to fully recover from being bullied, made fun of, and even early on bits of physical abuse...five years to squash that fear of being sincere, that fear of being myself.
Reading this, if you are one who has found yourself close to me, you may be thinking "hmm, I've not known you to hold back too terribly much," and even when I wasn't necessarily holding back much...I was in ways that were not visible...and I was always concerned whether my behavior or my thoughts or my writing or my lyrics or anything that belonged to me, that I created, that I owned, that I reflected or exuded...was "normal," was "okay," was "worthy."
Until now...
This will likely only mean something wonderful to me...but I have found my voice again, I wear what I want, when I want without the concern, I dance how I dance, I sing how I sing, I write how I write, I speak how I speak, I love how I love.. as hard and deeply and as much as I want to, I want what I want, do what I do, I am what I am...and in most cases, there will be little to no editing, little warning, and seldom an apology on behalf of me (unless I've done something I know has hurt someone or I've done something that I deem morally corrupt.)
Anyway, as the growth continues, I will continue to blog or journal about it... and any regression will likely be notated, too. This allows me to see that I am, at the very least, always striving.
As always, thank you for reading and please always be, be, be who you be.
:o)
I write for therapeutic reasoning, for self-expression, for others to find relation here in my writing...
My aim is not to hurt, my aim is not to violate...but my experiences are something that I do feel a desire to share.
My mother never cared much for it, but I've been this way my entire life. She has always said, "Kayleigh will be Kayleigh and no one can stop her."
Which was true...until it wasn't. There were all of these years, so many of them there were, in fact...where I was not Kayleigh and people could stop me...and very easily.
I grew up feeling so ostracized that I began altering myself to the liking of others. In school, I was "weird," I was "crazy," and I was "different." There were so many labels and none of them ever made me feel good about myself.
I didn't fit into any specific clique because everyone was scared to be my friend at the expense of what others would say. I cannot tell you how many dozens of long, inspiring emails I received AFTER I graduated from peers admitting that they had secretly always wanted to be closer to me and I had on occasion even changed someones life, (in their own words.), etc.
When I received these messages at various points in a three year period...I began to see a bit more clearly, but undoing years of rejection was obviously going to take a lot more than a dozen emails.
It has taken me at least five years to fully recover from being bullied, made fun of, and even early on bits of physical abuse...five years to squash that fear of being sincere, that fear of being myself.
Reading this, if you are one who has found yourself close to me, you may be thinking "hmm, I've not known you to hold back too terribly much," and even when I wasn't necessarily holding back much...I was in ways that were not visible...and I was always concerned whether my behavior or my thoughts or my writing or my lyrics or anything that belonged to me, that I created, that I owned, that I reflected or exuded...was "normal," was "okay," was "worthy."
Until now...
This will likely only mean something wonderful to me...but I have found my voice again, I wear what I want, when I want without the concern, I dance how I dance, I sing how I sing, I write how I write, I speak how I speak, I love how I love.. as hard and deeply and as much as I want to, I want what I want, do what I do, I am what I am...and in most cases, there will be little to no editing, little warning, and seldom an apology on behalf of me (unless I've done something I know has hurt someone or I've done something that I deem morally corrupt.)
Anyway, as the growth continues, I will continue to blog or journal about it... and any regression will likely be notated, too. This allows me to see that I am, at the very least, always striving.
As always, thank you for reading and please always be, be, be who you be.
:o)
Feb 8, 2010
I have been subjected to enough horror in my lifetime to bypass just a little more.
at the end of the day, I have me, and me alone...feeding you my soul day in and out will simply not suffice. there is no way I can justify the effects of your illness. I only hope that you understand, I tried for as long as I could. sadly, insanity would claim grounds here,as well, if I continued to partake in this morbid state of affairs.
in the morning, when your sky has swallowed your sun and the corners of your dark room turn into sharp teeth, while the words etched on your wall spring to life, magnified and swarming...
as you reach for your pharmaceutical death in a bottle...and you crack open the glass Evian water bottles in efforts of creating these marks on your skin, symbolic of the exquisite mental torture you face...
as the walls are laughing now and the poison is swarming through your veins and your child-like features are frozen in the aging of last night...
the tears trickle down, in neglect and abandon...
your mouth is quivering in fear
and you are wringing your hands as if the anger consuming you could only wash over you.. with these simple gestures
please know, that if I felt there was anything I could do without compromising my own health...I would. and I am sorry to walk away...but I must.
at the end of the day, I have me, and me alone...feeding you my soul day in and out will simply not suffice. there is no way I can justify the effects of your illness. I only hope that you understand, I tried for as long as I could. sadly, insanity would claim grounds here,as well, if I continued to partake in this morbid state of affairs.
in the morning, when your sky has swallowed your sun and the corners of your dark room turn into sharp teeth, while the words etched on your wall spring to life, magnified and swarming...
as you reach for your pharmaceutical death in a bottle...and you crack open the glass Evian water bottles in efforts of creating these marks on your skin, symbolic of the exquisite mental torture you face...
as the walls are laughing now and the poison is swarming through your veins and your child-like features are frozen in the aging of last night...
the tears trickle down, in neglect and abandon...
your mouth is quivering in fear
and you are wringing your hands as if the anger consuming you could only wash over you.. with these simple gestures
please know, that if I felt there was anything I could do without compromising my own health...I would. and I am sorry to walk away...but I must.
Feb 4, 2010
my grandmother or "Maw-Maw," as we call her, gives the BEST dating advice.
every now and then she says, "Kayleigh, you got a boy yet?" and today (and most days) I say, "No Maw-Maw, I sure don't."
and she says, "annnnd whyyyy NOT?" and I say, "I don't know Maw-Maw, the ones that like me I don't like enough to date and the few I like can't ever figure out what they want."
and she says, "mmmhmmm, irresponsible of them."
and I say, "what do you mean?"
"Well, Kayleigh, responsible men aren't gonna string you along...they call when they call, they follow through with plans, they know what they want and they go after it."
and to that I retorted, "well, maybe they just aren't really into me."
she's so awesome, she said, "Oh honey, that's just silly, of course they're into you...they're just too into themselves and their ego to do anything about it."
and to that I said, "fair enough."
then she gave me a checklist for when I'm pursuing a man: "number one: check his bank account (he needs to have money to pay his bills and a job!) number two: check his savings account (he needs to have back up money in case of emergency!) and number three: you check his attitude, if he likes his dog more than you, he's out!"
honestly, she's so funny and adorable.
anyway, in other news, in case you missed it...got into a minor accident yesterday, followed by a separate incident of being pulled over, and this morning I've had to dedicate precious sleeping or reading time to being hassled by seven thousand different agents and the crazy woman herself who when asking me how I feel, remarked that she felt "kind of weird." which led me to assume she'll be claiming some bullshit injury claims too...which really infuriates me considering she jumped out of the car yesterday with no pain at all.
such is life, though, no?
pretty excited about the rest of the week and weekend...going to see Neil Gaiman speak tonight for a few hours...and a picnic on the beach prior to the speech...and an art gallery opening, artist lecture, cocktails and hors d' oeuvres Saturday night and bingo Sunday night. seems eventful enough for me!
in other news, I am sleep deprived like I've never been and my appetite is ALL off...I cannot seem to eat much of anything and awake in the morning feeling starved and grumpy.
I guess this is lengthy enough for today.
happier day to you than I've experienced thus far.
every now and then she says, "Kayleigh, you got a boy yet?" and today (and most days) I say, "No Maw-Maw, I sure don't."
and she says, "annnnd whyyyy NOT?" and I say, "I don't know Maw-Maw, the ones that like me I don't like enough to date and the few I like can't ever figure out what they want."
and she says, "mmmhmmm, irresponsible of them."
and I say, "what do you mean?"
"Well, Kayleigh, responsible men aren't gonna string you along...they call when they call, they follow through with plans, they know what they want and they go after it."
and to that I retorted, "well, maybe they just aren't really into me."
she's so awesome, she said, "Oh honey, that's just silly, of course they're into you...they're just too into themselves and their ego to do anything about it."
and to that I said, "fair enough."
then she gave me a checklist for when I'm pursuing a man: "number one: check his bank account (he needs to have money to pay his bills and a job!) number two: check his savings account (he needs to have back up money in case of emergency!) and number three: you check his attitude, if he likes his dog more than you, he's out!"
honestly, she's so funny and adorable.
anyway, in other news, in case you missed it...got into a minor accident yesterday, followed by a separate incident of being pulled over, and this morning I've had to dedicate precious sleeping or reading time to being hassled by seven thousand different agents and the crazy woman herself who when asking me how I feel, remarked that she felt "kind of weird." which led me to assume she'll be claiming some bullshit injury claims too...which really infuriates me considering she jumped out of the car yesterday with no pain at all.
such is life, though, no?
pretty excited about the rest of the week and weekend...going to see Neil Gaiman speak tonight for a few hours...and a picnic on the beach prior to the speech...and an art gallery opening, artist lecture, cocktails and hors d' oeuvres Saturday night and bingo Sunday night. seems eventful enough for me!
in other news, I am sleep deprived like I've never been and my appetite is ALL off...I cannot seem to eat much of anything and awake in the morning feeling starved and grumpy.
I guess this is lengthy enough for today.
happier day to you than I've experienced thus far.
Feb 3, 2010
a few things...
-I hate winter (even in California)
-January is my most uninspiring month..every year, January wreaks havoc on my immune system (and it's cold.)
-my other half of dental work managed to be more agonizing than the first go-round. I'm going to guess I'm allergic to anesthesia, as the after effects were equivalent to being hit in all portions of my face 10 times over.. with a bat. I was in so much throbbing pain that my body took to being excessively warm, my face took to being excessively red, and I, at one point, even began crying in front of my guy friend.
Then, I took a few swigs of his whiskey, took a handful of motrin and napped. When I awoke, I was basically back to normal...but just to reestablish my dentophobia...
Yeah...
a few other things...
-I saw a man walking an imaginary dog the other day...he appeared to be your every day guy...doubt he was even homeless. I initially imagined I was the one imagining an imaginary leash and dog...but sure enough he bent down to play with the little guy!!
-I saw a younger man in front of the water supply building (actual term or name for building has temporarily slipped my mind, so go with it) ...anyway, saw a younger man at dusk with headphones on break dancing his ass off. the fact that there was little to no sunlight, no one at all accompanying him, and he was going at it so fervidly, was what really got in my head..
-I love Los Feliz...but honestly, the parking arrangement out here has got to be the most annoying parking arrangement in all of Los Angeles and surrounding counties.
-I'm still not a fan of inconsistency..
-I came to realize if you ever want to successfully hurt my feelings, ignore a considerate text I've sent you for days on end.
That's all for now...I have errands to run.
Good day loyal blog readers. :o)
-I hate winter (even in California)
-January is my most uninspiring month..every year, January wreaks havoc on my immune system (and it's cold.)
-my other half of dental work managed to be more agonizing than the first go-round. I'm going to guess I'm allergic to anesthesia, as the after effects were equivalent to being hit in all portions of my face 10 times over.. with a bat. I was in so much throbbing pain that my body took to being excessively warm, my face took to being excessively red, and I, at one point, even began crying in front of my guy friend.
Then, I took a few swigs of his whiskey, took a handful of motrin and napped. When I awoke, I was basically back to normal...but just to reestablish my dentophobia...
Yeah...
a few other things...
-I saw a man walking an imaginary dog the other day...he appeared to be your every day guy...doubt he was even homeless. I initially imagined I was the one imagining an imaginary leash and dog...but sure enough he bent down to play with the little guy!!
-I saw a younger man in front of the water supply building (actual term or name for building has temporarily slipped my mind, so go with it) ...anyway, saw a younger man at dusk with headphones on break dancing his ass off. the fact that there was little to no sunlight, no one at all accompanying him, and he was going at it so fervidly, was what really got in my head..
-I love Los Feliz...but honestly, the parking arrangement out here has got to be the most annoying parking arrangement in all of Los Angeles and surrounding counties.
-I'm still not a fan of inconsistency..
-I came to realize if you ever want to successfully hurt my feelings, ignore a considerate text I've sent you for days on end.
That's all for now...I have errands to run.
Good day loyal blog readers. :o)
Jan 31, 2010
neti pot is god. end of conversation.
okay, okay...not end of conversation! because I'd like to expound now...
I guess that whole "worse before you're better" statement is true, btw.
yesterday, I thought I was honestly, honestly going to die in bed. I can certainly attest to not recalling one other time that I have ever felt so awful...anyway, I literally ransacked pharmacies and definitely spent a ridiculous amount of money trying to get well before I caved in and bought the neti pot.
I am not exaggerating at all (rare occurrence)...I did the neti pot experience ONE time and within the hour, I felt 85% better.
I also purchased a Vicks Waterless Vapor System and kept it on while I slept. I set the Nyquil aside, as it was numbing portions of my face? yep. that stuff is BRUTAL.
Dayquil does essentially NOTHING to temporary or long term symptoms...
Mucinex made me think my throat was closing up it was so dry..no matter how much water I drank.
I had an allergy to Levaquin...
and the 500 mg of Amoxicillin I take every 6 hours...apparently either took 10 pills into it to have any affect what so ever or the infection was viral?
not sure...my immune system better be golden for the next two years, at least. ugh.
In any case...the neti pot saved me from an experience so miserable that I was actually in tears at one point.
I did a second cleanse tonight...rather painful, slightly disgusting but I've never breathed better!
and I'm feeling alive again!! (throughout most portions of the day, at least) should probably stop staying up until 3 a.m.
also, in feeling significantly better, I thought it would be a great idea to get a hair TRIM.
little did I realize my "one inch please" would turn into 2-3 inches being taken off of the length and the ..."yes, trim the bangs to the cheekbone, please" would result in bangs to my eyebrows...
apparently when I said "oh,oh! no more please" she mistook that for "cut more please." genius.
that's my exciting update! hope all is well with you, my kind blog readers. :o)
okay, okay...not end of conversation! because I'd like to expound now...
I guess that whole "worse before you're better" statement is true, btw.
yesterday, I thought I was honestly, honestly going to die in bed. I can certainly attest to not recalling one other time that I have ever felt so awful...anyway, I literally ransacked pharmacies and definitely spent a ridiculous amount of money trying to get well before I caved in and bought the neti pot.
I am not exaggerating at all (rare occurrence)...I did the neti pot experience ONE time and within the hour, I felt 85% better.
I also purchased a Vicks Waterless Vapor System and kept it on while I slept. I set the Nyquil aside, as it was numbing portions of my face? yep. that stuff is BRUTAL.
Dayquil does essentially NOTHING to temporary or long term symptoms...
Mucinex made me think my throat was closing up it was so dry..no matter how much water I drank.
I had an allergy to Levaquin...
and the 500 mg of Amoxicillin I take every 6 hours...apparently either took 10 pills into it to have any affect what so ever or the infection was viral?
not sure...my immune system better be golden for the next two years, at least. ugh.
In any case...the neti pot saved me from an experience so miserable that I was actually in tears at one point.
I did a second cleanse tonight...rather painful, slightly disgusting but I've never breathed better!
and I'm feeling alive again!! (throughout most portions of the day, at least) should probably stop staying up until 3 a.m.
also, in feeling significantly better, I thought it would be a great idea to get a hair TRIM.
little did I realize my "one inch please" would turn into 2-3 inches being taken off of the length and the ..."yes, trim the bangs to the cheekbone, please" would result in bangs to my eyebrows...
apparently when I said "oh,oh! no more please" she mistook that for "cut more please." genius.
that's my exciting update! hope all is well with you, my kind blog readers. :o)
Jan 28, 2010
rather than mockery, perhaps learn empathy...
I find very, very few situations in which it is okay to make fun of another human being.
in fact, belittling someone or insulting them in earshot or eyesight...makes me cringe in disgust and sadness.
you don't have to accept people for who they are if you don't want to, sure...but please keep the superiority complexes to yourself.
remember that your good choices and good fortunes are something to be grateful for but not ever, ever, ever something to use to hurt people with..specifically those who don't match you in intellect, health, wealth, or physical appeal.
our circumstances can change in an instant...be good to people.
and if you can't be good to them...at the very least...don't be bad to them.
I find very, very few situations in which it is okay to make fun of another human being.
in fact, belittling someone or insulting them in earshot or eyesight...makes me cringe in disgust and sadness.
you don't have to accept people for who they are if you don't want to, sure...but please keep the superiority complexes to yourself.
remember that your good choices and good fortunes are something to be grateful for but not ever, ever, ever something to use to hurt people with..specifically those who don't match you in intellect, health, wealth, or physical appeal.
our circumstances can change in an instant...be good to people.
and if you can't be good to them...at the very least...don't be bad to them.
Yummy.com to the rescue!
ordered nyquil, dayquil, and strawberry mochi.
oh, threw in some water too..
okay, so it was significantly more costly than it would have been had I had the energy to drive two miles down the street, but two miles on third street in rush hour traffic is really more misery than I care to endure on my one and a half hours of sleep last night and this ever-so-delightful bout of Sinusitis.
ordered nyquil, dayquil, and strawberry mochi.
oh, threw in some water too..
okay, so it was significantly more costly than it would have been had I had the energy to drive two miles down the street, but two miles on third street in rush hour traffic is really more misery than I care to endure on my one and a half hours of sleep last night and this ever-so-delightful bout of Sinusitis.
Jan 26, 2010
So, it's two a.m. and I'm on a writing kick.I've actually stopped dead in the middle of my writing tracks because I became conscious of the fact that there was, in fact, a flow...and that it could very well go on all night. I've stopped to share the two things that I've realized in briefly breaking and in these unintentional, subconscious efforts I must make at forever analyzing.
Pause-- I may have temporarily forgotten one out of two...so hopefully it comes back to me again before this particular blogging that I am doing, ends.
Okay, yes...here are my latest revelations:
1. My writing binges most often and best occur at 2 a.m.
&
2. I've decided that the only logical rationale behind this occurrence is that as the day trudges on and we grow tired, we are more susceptible to all sorts of vulnerable dispositions due to a need for sleep and revitalization. Our defenses are down, the later it gets, and as our defenses and walls come down...something such as writers block loses full effect because... I've decided, at least in my case, my particular writers block stems from the looming failure I apparently, subconsciously insist awaits me. Therefore, mental block creates artistic/writers block...BUT...that wall preventing consistency and abundance is easily collapsed in the face of sleep deprivation.
Perhaps this is only the case though with those suffering from a block for a lack of faith in their capabilities as opposed to one suffering any creative-based block due to an actual lack of ideas?
Anyway, what is a real shame is that I have this flu-like/sinus thing that I cannot figure out is what...and the writing must cease tonight for saving my health. sigh.
Pause-- I may have temporarily forgotten one out of two...so hopefully it comes back to me again before this particular blogging that I am doing, ends.
Okay, yes...here are my latest revelations:
1. My writing binges most often and best occur at 2 a.m.
&
2. I've decided that the only logical rationale behind this occurrence is that as the day trudges on and we grow tired, we are more susceptible to all sorts of vulnerable dispositions due to a need for sleep and revitalization. Our defenses are down, the later it gets, and as our defenses and walls come down...something such as writers block loses full effect because... I've decided, at least in my case, my particular writers block stems from the looming failure I apparently, subconsciously insist awaits me. Therefore, mental block creates artistic/writers block...BUT...that wall preventing consistency and abundance is easily collapsed in the face of sleep deprivation.
Perhaps this is only the case though with those suffering from a block for a lack of faith in their capabilities as opposed to one suffering any creative-based block due to an actual lack of ideas?
Anyway, what is a real shame is that I have this flu-like/sinus thing that I cannot figure out is what...and the writing must cease tonight for saving my health. sigh.
Jan 25, 2010
There's currently a lot going on but my head has taken a quiet change.
Nothing much I would deem negative...just busier than I can remember being last year.
Then again, last year was quite unproductive.
I finally feel like I understand what it is to be content. There is no longing for what I don't have, for what I did have, for what I want (okay, maybe a little of that), but... all in all...I'm a lot less wistful.
Life has it's minor nuisances, but for the most part I'm feeling quite balanced.
Taking it day by day and practicing acceptance in the circumstances I cannot change for the time being or those I have no control over...has really reaped some rewards.
I sound like such the optimistic cliche right now...but what can I say? When you're up, you're up...!
Lately, everything has consisted primarily of lists, responsibilities, and survival. When I'm not trying to take care of me there is a lot of energy being spent on taking care of other people. Which is something I need to focus more energy on balancing. I've reached a point in which I neglect my own health and sanity at the coo and call of another.
And it isn't quite out of obligation, I know what it is like to be...everything outside of happy and healthy. However, in constantly supporting, reassuring, driving, talking, analyzing, emailing, running errands for various people...I lose valuable time that I need to rest and write and brainstorm.
I realized this morning as I awoke to yet another sinus/ear/throat infection (or perhaps the first never went away) that if I don't stop trying to appease people, I'm never going to be fully healthy and creatively functional.
I have the most difficult time with setting boundaries..but I am absolutely determined to set them.
Anyway, this isn't my most entertaining post...but taking the responsible role is seldom entertaining.
That said, I had a few emails wanting a "real, written" blog...so I'm sitting here going through this typical stream-of-consciousness...and on my way to what I hope is a very long night of rest and less sinus suffering come morning.
P.s. I promise to write a poem or a story or at least an attempt at something personal and funny soon.
Nothing much I would deem negative...just busier than I can remember being last year.
Then again, last year was quite unproductive.
I finally feel like I understand what it is to be content. There is no longing for what I don't have, for what I did have, for what I want (okay, maybe a little of that), but... all in all...I'm a lot less wistful.
Life has it's minor nuisances, but for the most part I'm feeling quite balanced.
Taking it day by day and practicing acceptance in the circumstances I cannot change for the time being or those I have no control over...has really reaped some rewards.
I sound like such the optimistic cliche right now...but what can I say? When you're up, you're up...!
Lately, everything has consisted primarily of lists, responsibilities, and survival. When I'm not trying to take care of me there is a lot of energy being spent on taking care of other people. Which is something I need to focus more energy on balancing. I've reached a point in which I neglect my own health and sanity at the coo and call of another.
And it isn't quite out of obligation, I know what it is like to be...everything outside of happy and healthy. However, in constantly supporting, reassuring, driving, talking, analyzing, emailing, running errands for various people...I lose valuable time that I need to rest and write and brainstorm.
I realized this morning as I awoke to yet another sinus/ear/throat infection (or perhaps the first never went away) that if I don't stop trying to appease people, I'm never going to be fully healthy and creatively functional.
I have the most difficult time with setting boundaries..but I am absolutely determined to set them.
Anyway, this isn't my most entertaining post...but taking the responsible role is seldom entertaining.
That said, I had a few emails wanting a "real, written" blog...so I'm sitting here going through this typical stream-of-consciousness...and on my way to what I hope is a very long night of rest and less sinus suffering come morning.
P.s. I promise to write a poem or a story or at least an attempt at something personal and funny soon.
Jan 24, 2010
brilliant artistry by Alison Franchi and Jennifer Aspinall for L.A. Artists/L.A. Aet Show in Penthouse at EVO.
(before finished product...sure to have final photos soon)
seriously, how crazy is this? I kind of want to be a bejeweled, metallic creature forever.
anyway, was really stoked to be a part of this creative collaboration.
Jan 21, 2010
I am noticing little changes in my life that are remarkably better, remarkably more than a year ago...apparently getting out of bed every day and making a concerted effort... and a list, really makes all the difference.
bit by bit, piece by piece, all slowly unraveling...I can see positive changes unveiling.
bit by bit, piece by piece, all slowly unraveling...I can see positive changes unveiling.
Jan 16, 2010
So, I have a 9 a.m. appt. yesterday for some much needed, much prolonged dental work, right. While scheduling this particular appointment, the staff assures me that I will be out of their office no later than 12:30. Which is actually adding an extra hour in for the 'just in case' factor. I was also promised that I wouldn't be experiencing any pain, and it shouldn't cost more than ___X___.Lies, I tell you.
Well, I am rather hasty...so when they told me which work I should prioritize before the rest of the work that could be done later, I basically said let's make it happen like snap, how much can we do in one day and how much will be left?
I even paid in advance. Yep, I'm that girl. Wait, no, I don't actually know what I meant by that. Whatever.
Okay, so, ready for the scoop...? I did not leave the dentist yesterday until 2:30. I sat in a chair from 9 a.m. until 2:30, being tortured half to death with a slew of sharp instruments...yeah, there was even that harmless looking, god-forbidden one in particular.. that slurps up all of your saliva, which they left propped under my tongue packed with gauze for 45 minutes...(and it resulted in gnarly little cuts all under my tongue.)
They must have taken like 18 impressions with some blue-green paste, and when they were finally done, I swear to you, I looked like I fucking ate Gumby for breakfast. You know...that little Clay-dough character we loved as kids. Google it, if you're drawing a blank.
Once, during part of the procedure, she attempted to numb one area in which she soon thereafter began jabbing my gums with yet another sharp instrument and sewing some thread-like material she referred to as a "cord" INTO the area between the tooth and the gums (because that's not scary!)...and when I was quivering in pain and thought I might like do some crazy projectile upchucking, she insisted I should not be feeling anything. Oh really!? Well, if that is what "not feeling" feels like, what the hell is my other option?
I guess when she saw that I had a death grip on the chair and a flood of tears pouring down my face.. she decide to re-numb the area...and guess what...it didn't work the second time either!
Anyway, I have a few more follow up appointments which I'm absolutely dreading. I mean, I totally understand why people have like... dental phobias. I get it. (Dentophobia) That's the term. Easy enough right?
Well, I am rather hasty...so when they told me which work I should prioritize before the rest of the work that could be done later, I basically said let's make it happen like snap, how much can we do in one day and how much will be left?
I even paid in advance. Yep, I'm that girl. Wait, no, I don't actually know what I meant by that. Whatever.
Okay, so, ready for the scoop...? I did not leave the dentist yesterday until 2:30. I sat in a chair from 9 a.m. until 2:30, being tortured half to death with a slew of sharp instruments...yeah, there was even that harmless looking, god-forbidden one in particular.. that slurps up all of your saliva, which they left propped under my tongue packed with gauze for 45 minutes...(and it resulted in gnarly little cuts all under my tongue.)
They must have taken like 18 impressions with some blue-green paste, and when they were finally done, I swear to you, I looked like I fucking ate Gumby for breakfast. You know...that little Clay-dough character we loved as kids. Google it, if you're drawing a blank.
Once, during part of the procedure, she attempted to numb one area in which she soon thereafter began jabbing my gums with yet another sharp instrument and sewing some thread-like material she referred to as a "cord" INTO the area between the tooth and the gums (because that's not scary!)...and when I was quivering in pain and thought I might like do some crazy projectile upchucking, she insisted I should not be feeling anything. Oh really!? Well, if that is what "not feeling" feels like, what the hell is my other option?
I guess when she saw that I had a death grip on the chair and a flood of tears pouring down my face.. she decide to re-numb the area...and guess what...it didn't work the second time either!
Anyway, I have a few more follow up appointments which I'm absolutely dreading. I mean, I totally understand why people have like... dental phobias. I get it. (Dentophobia) That's the term. Easy enough right?
Jan 14, 2010
ugh. too busy to post anything that requires much thought. which means... I'll just post and tell you how busy I am.
how L.A. of me. :)
no... but really. I mean...are we confused yet? good.
apologies in advance to blog readers and friends. (I know you're out there...there's a counter!) at least I'm not talking to myself, is all I'm saying. anyway, apologies in advance and for the past two days,I will be out of touch until at least Monday.
things might actually get worse before they get better, as I will be looking into another part time job. let's see...1 part time job + 1 part time job... isn't that almost equivalent to working a full time job...only those suck. yeah.
no one loves to work as much as I do...
(cough.bullshit.)
how L.A. of me. :)
no... but really. I mean...are we confused yet? good.
apologies in advance to blog readers and friends. (I know you're out there...there's a counter!) at least I'm not talking to myself, is all I'm saying. anyway, apologies in advance and for the past two days,I will be out of touch until at least Monday.
things might actually get worse before they get better, as I will be looking into another part time job. let's see...1 part time job + 1 part time job... isn't that almost equivalent to working a full time job...only those suck. yeah.
no one loves to work as much as I do...
(cough.bullshit.)
Jan 12, 2010
aside from being utterly exhausted...
I am thrilled to death.
exciting things, as well as, what could be exciting things are upon the horizon..
and get this...!
starting tomorrow I'm making a schedule for myself. (gasp)
I'm setting alarms to get up, get things done, go on daily runs or hikes, and staying focused on writing and singing. BAM!
I might even start putting aside any bit of extra income I make on whatever random job it is I'm doing and begin paying off some of the debt I've managed to accrue in 2 years. (I deserve an award for how fast I can spend a paycheck)
the sadder bit of that which I feel compelled to share with you...is that I actually used to spend a lot of time helping friends and family members budget and work out little spending systems. It made me feel good, I just failed to abide by it. how illogical.
must.stop.being.so.emotion-based.
and just on an end note::
fuck depression. fuck it, fuck it, fuck it to hell and back, fuck it up. done.
even amidst the sporadic bout, I cannot stand to waste anymore time than I have already wasted.
so, here I go, here I go, here I go!
let's hope I can stay on track. it would be nice to surprise everyone...including myself, for once.
I am thrilled to death.
exciting things, as well as, what could be exciting things are upon the horizon..
and get this...!
starting tomorrow I'm making a schedule for myself. (gasp)
I'm setting alarms to get up, get things done, go on daily runs or hikes, and staying focused on writing and singing. BAM!
I might even start putting aside any bit of extra income I make on whatever random job it is I'm doing and begin paying off some of the debt I've managed to accrue in 2 years. (I deserve an award for how fast I can spend a paycheck)
the sadder bit of that which I feel compelled to share with you...is that I actually used to spend a lot of time helping friends and family members budget and work out little spending systems. It made me feel good, I just failed to abide by it. how illogical.
must.stop.being.so.emotion-based.
and just on an end note::
fuck depression. fuck it, fuck it, fuck it to hell and back, fuck it up. done.
even amidst the sporadic bout, I cannot stand to waste anymore time than I have already wasted.
so, here I go, here I go, here I go!
let's hope I can stay on track. it would be nice to surprise everyone...including myself, for once.
Jan 11, 2010
I just called my mother at work, who answers her phone about 100% of the time...
And since it is a direct line, it doesn't bother either of us if and when I get the urge to call her while I'm doing things like brushing my teeth, eating, driving...or peeing.
So, I'm doing the last one on that list...and ya know...I've had like a liter of water...as soon as I begin, a coworker picks up her phone and says, "Toni's desk..."
"Oh...um...wow, this is awkward. You can tell I'm peeing can't you."
"Okay, yeah, I'll try her on her cell, thanks"
is there such a thing as being too comfortable?
I wonder if it's just me.
oh well.
And since it is a direct line, it doesn't bother either of us if and when I get the urge to call her while I'm doing things like brushing my teeth, eating, driving...or peeing.
So, I'm doing the last one on that list...and ya know...I've had like a liter of water...as soon as I begin, a coworker picks up her phone and says, "Toni's desk..."
"Oh...um...wow, this is awkward. You can tell I'm peeing can't you."
"Okay, yeah, I'll try her on her cell, thanks"
is there such a thing as being too comfortable?
I wonder if it's just me.
oh well.
Jan 10, 2010
Jan 9, 2010
Jan 8, 2010
okay, so every day that I've been sick I've had just about the worst dreams to date.
like...some of them are so horrifying, I've decided maybe I'll write horror novels or screenplays.
I can't wrap my head around how REAL the dreams look and feel. I envision faces I know I've never seen but that look and feel so real, I can't pull myself out of the dream without reliving them and wanting to write descriptive stories about all of them.
I've been sleeping excessively, too, trying to get well...so the dreams are just one after another after another.
I don't know whether it's the antibiotics or my body struggling to fight the infections off...but there's definitely something going on since I got sick.
In any case, stay tuned...I might share one or two.
like...some of them are so horrifying, I've decided maybe I'll write horror novels or screenplays.
I can't wrap my head around how REAL the dreams look and feel. I envision faces I know I've never seen but that look and feel so real, I can't pull myself out of the dream without reliving them and wanting to write descriptive stories about all of them.
I've been sleeping excessively, too, trying to get well...so the dreams are just one after another after another.
I don't know whether it's the antibiotics or my body struggling to fight the infections off...but there's definitely something going on since I got sick.
In any case, stay tuned...I might share one or two.
Jan 7, 2010
So, I'm reading this book entitled, Solipsist.
Apparently, Henry Rollins is an author AND played music of some sort... of which does not interest me in the least.
I don't care much for him as a musician (or vocalist.. for that matter), but I'm quite impressed with this book in particular. Some might call him brutal...but the sort of sincerity he writes with really draws me in.
Now, my taste in books can go one of three ways...they're either wide-spread favorites, completely obscure, or absolutely hated by just about everyone who has read them. Regardless...I like this one enough to write a bit about it here. So! You can be the judge of what you find relevant or irrelevant in my blogging... and I'll just continue with these random posts and thoughts...
Solipsist caught my eye one wretched, cold night I spent in Waukegan, Illinois. Shut up in a hotel room for a week, I went out on a limb and spent 50 dollars just on cab fare to the nearest bookstore.
When I stumbled upon Solipsist...the title immediately lured me in. I was compelled to read the book in its entirety before even leaving the store. When I thought of all of the airports I would be in and out of that month, I decided to restrain myself.
Some may find the book above all, angst-ridden and even journal-like...but I find it surprisingly relieving.
With that damn Secret book, it's cult following, and the downpour of books quite similar, afterward... I found myself rolling my eyes most of 2009 at the fanaticism of it all.
With that said, I'd like to clarify... I don't consider myself an optimist, pessimist, or a cynic...I genuinely believe I fall somewhere in the middle. Sometimes, I'm gushy and optimistic, sometimes I see in black and white...and sometimes rain clouds follow me for what feels an indefinite period of time.
In any case, Rollin's depravity, sadness, loneliness, and seeming separation from most of mankind...has had me tearing up, chuckling, relating, and often smirking with each turn of the page.
Not to mention, the guy really has a style.. a voice. Even if you think he's a misanthropic pig, you can see that he was certainly literate and talented enough to capture a reading audience...be it small or large.
"I must tell you that I was always afraid of the fury with which I loved you. It overwhelmed me. I thought it beyond comprehension, therefore my silence."
(I mean...really? dude is all sorts of passionate.)
Apparently, Henry Rollins is an author AND played music of some sort... of which does not interest me in the least.
I don't care much for him as a musician (or vocalist.. for that matter), but I'm quite impressed with this book in particular. Some might call him brutal...but the sort of sincerity he writes with really draws me in.
Now, my taste in books can go one of three ways...they're either wide-spread favorites, completely obscure, or absolutely hated by just about everyone who has read them. Regardless...I like this one enough to write a bit about it here. So! You can be the judge of what you find relevant or irrelevant in my blogging... and I'll just continue with these random posts and thoughts...
Solipsist caught my eye one wretched, cold night I spent in Waukegan, Illinois. Shut up in a hotel room for a week, I went out on a limb and spent 50 dollars just on cab fare to the nearest bookstore.
When I stumbled upon Solipsist...the title immediately lured me in. I was compelled to read the book in its entirety before even leaving the store. When I thought of all of the airports I would be in and out of that month, I decided to restrain myself.
Some may find the book above all, angst-ridden and even journal-like...but I find it surprisingly relieving.
With that damn Secret book, it's cult following, and the downpour of books quite similar, afterward... I found myself rolling my eyes most of 2009 at the fanaticism of it all.
With that said, I'd like to clarify... I don't consider myself an optimist, pessimist, or a cynic...I genuinely believe I fall somewhere in the middle. Sometimes, I'm gushy and optimistic, sometimes I see in black and white...and sometimes rain clouds follow me for what feels an indefinite period of time.
In any case, Rollin's depravity, sadness, loneliness, and seeming separation from most of mankind...has had me tearing up, chuckling, relating, and often smirking with each turn of the page.
Not to mention, the guy really has a style.. a voice. Even if you think he's a misanthropic pig, you can see that he was certainly literate and talented enough to capture a reading audience...be it small or large.
"I must tell you that I was always afraid of the fury with which I loved you. It overwhelmed me. I thought it beyond comprehension, therefore my silence."
(I mean...really? dude is all sorts of passionate.)
I can attest to the fact that I've honestly NEVER been this sick before.
Let's go over the symptoms:
-ten tons of drainage
-sore, swollen throat
-watery eyes
-drippy nose
-piercing, throbbing earaches
-cannot hear out of left ear (going on 4th day now)
-have lost 10 lbs...if I lose anymore I can't imagine a great survival rate at that point...and I want my boobs back. seriously, this is not okay.
-exhausted and cant stay asleep
-pulsating headache
-neck ache
I don't even know what to do. I just got home earlier this evening to the antibiotics I stored away in the case that this occurred. I'm on the verge of depression because I cannot handle the combination of so much physical pain and seeing my body dwindle away to nothing. Who's not feeling sexy? MEEEE.
Dear creator, I want my weight back, my color back, my hearing back, and I would prefer to live through this...and since I'm skeptical of all of that being granted...I will tell you now, if I do happen to die...I want my mom getting all of my downloaded music, my grandmother getting my amazing heated blanket, and my sister to know my dying wish was for her to get the fck out of that small town hell hole.
Thanks for reading.
Let's go over the symptoms:
-ten tons of drainage
-sore, swollen throat
-watery eyes
-drippy nose
-piercing, throbbing earaches
-cannot hear out of left ear (going on 4th day now)
-have lost 10 lbs...if I lose anymore I can't imagine a great survival rate at that point...and I want my boobs back. seriously, this is not okay.
-exhausted and cant stay asleep
-pulsating headache
-neck ache
I don't even know what to do. I just got home earlier this evening to the antibiotics I stored away in the case that this occurred. I'm on the verge of depression because I cannot handle the combination of so much physical pain and seeing my body dwindle away to nothing. Who's not feeling sexy? MEEEE.
Dear creator, I want my weight back, my color back, my hearing back, and I would prefer to live through this...and since I'm skeptical of all of that being granted...I will tell you now, if I do happen to die...I want my mom getting all of my downloaded music, my grandmother getting my amazing heated blanket, and my sister to know my dying wish was for her to get the fck out of that small town hell hole.
Thanks for reading.
Jan 6, 2010
I was off exploring on my own..It was new territory...
Hell, I didn't even know what town we landed in.
There I was though, crawling through the brush. Faced with the newest obstacle; this welded, wire fence...this division.
There was me, there was my destination, and it was all an arms length away-- but first I had to get around this.
And how could I be so sure that what appeared to be my destination was actually where I belonged? I suppose it was instinct.
Except, how does one really learn to decipher instinct from impulse?
The outcome will tell all...but by then haven't we already made a decision?
Hell, I didn't even know what town we landed in.
There I was though, crawling through the brush. Faced with the newest obstacle; this welded, wire fence...this division.
There was me, there was my destination, and it was all an arms length away-- but first I had to get around this.
And how could I be so sure that what appeared to be my destination was actually where I belonged? I suppose it was instinct.
Except, how does one really learn to decipher instinct from impulse?
The outcome will tell all...but by then haven't we already made a decision?
Jan 2, 2010
you've changed
and the world feels a lot colder than it ever did before
anyone else...and I wouldn't be half as surprised...
but you? my god...you??
stemming from those petty insecurities...
I see beyond the fear and inconsistency.
remember when you owned you and no one else, not a thing in the world could change you?
remember when you knew exactly who you were...what you stood for?
you've fallen under some social pressure, now
that urge to prove...to possess...to avenge yourself, even
overpowers the urge to love, to see clearly, to feel naturally
you have to show...show them all
you can rise to the top
that there isn't anything you can't attain, can't succeed at
and when you get there
and you hold your trophy proud
(because that's all you'll have)
do you think you'll be happy then?
you're conforming day by day by day
producing this offspring... of lies
and they....they're multiplying in your head, now
until the point in which you've forgotten what you said
you're like a blind, rabid dog
growling and howling, foaming at the mouth
carrying around with you this disease
ready to attack at any moment
enraged that perhaps you've been duped
perhaps you've been wrong...
everything about yourself
that is like everyone else
provokes this need for opposition
this game you play with yourself, the one you play with your pack
divides you from them now
and when you do attack
when you sink your teeth
into someone else's flesh, or what's worse...when you sink those teeth into me...
I know I can forgive you
because I trust that you can't see
and where your instinct was once spot on
it's off now...
and you must have thought I was the enemy
when really...
I was just your friend.
and the world feels a lot colder than it ever did before
anyone else...and I wouldn't be half as surprised...
but you? my god...you??
stemming from those petty insecurities...
I see beyond the fear and inconsistency.
remember when you owned you and no one else, not a thing in the world could change you?
remember when you knew exactly who you were...what you stood for?
you've fallen under some social pressure, now
that urge to prove...to possess...to avenge yourself, even
overpowers the urge to love, to see clearly, to feel naturally
you have to show...show them all
you can rise to the top
that there isn't anything you can't attain, can't succeed at
and when you get there
and you hold your trophy proud
(because that's all you'll have)
do you think you'll be happy then?
you're conforming day by day by day
producing this offspring... of lies
and they....they're multiplying in your head, now
until the point in which you've forgotten what you said
you're like a blind, rabid dog
growling and howling, foaming at the mouth
carrying around with you this disease
ready to attack at any moment
enraged that perhaps you've been duped
perhaps you've been wrong...
everything about yourself
that is like everyone else
provokes this need for opposition
this game you play with yourself, the one you play with your pack
divides you from them now
and when you do attack
when you sink your teeth
into someone else's flesh, or what's worse...when you sink those teeth into me...
I know I can forgive you
because I trust that you can't see
and where your instinct was once spot on
it's off now...
and you must have thought I was the enemy
when really...
I was just your friend.
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