it was as every Saturday should be...
reuniting with friends, making an amazing early dinner together, movie on the couch...
followed by more uniting with other friends...getting ready together...meeting new friends...
dancing for a good minute...calling it an early night but stopping to get zucchini fries...and then realizing I can't find my purse with my keys, that my phone has been missing all night, that I've locked someone elses car in while losing all of my own things...
it's 3:30 a.m. and has all recently been resolved and located. only the saddest bit of all of this, is that, I've been practicing self-restraint for various reasons and saying no to drinking seems to have backfired. I'm the only drunk girl I know who keeps all of my belongings no matter what...and the only sober one who loses them.
anyway, if you know me...I like to have a specific order to things. I have the essentials I carry...and the backup plans in the trunk of my car. I have to have a plan...or as much of one as possible or I get a little freaked out, which leads to these sort of incidents.
I don't even know if I was always this way or if it was a result of something else...
this isn't entirely entertaining but it is, nevertheless, a brief recap. of my Saturday and uh, it's my blog, so I do what I want.
:P
Feb 26, 2010
Feb 24, 2010
Feb 22, 2010
recoil for a moment... find I've slid into my skin here, swam around a bit in my own depths, surfaced again, shortly thereafter, only to make an appearance back out of the shell.
one slow foot in front of the other, I see the finish line...and I won't race to get there. besides, the view is quite nice, and I want to take it in, too.
one slow foot in front of the other, I see the finish line...and I won't race to get there. besides, the view is quite nice, and I want to take it in, too.
Feb 19, 2010
I could definitely use some coddling, so by all means, bring on the baby talk! I won't even feel undermined, honestly, I'll just take it for what it's worth.
the "mass amount of energy" I wrote of yesterday quickly dwindled down to nothing today as I attended both jobs and so conveniently forgot to eat through out the majority of my day and night.
the occasional late night spent devoted to work and making some extra dough is almost not worth it, when I spend an hour desperately seeking parking afterward, only to awake in the morning with another parking ticket to add to my impressive collection because I...apparently don't know how to read signs past a certain level of frustration.
I don't mind the run-on sentence, I don't.
anyway, not to sound entirely pessimistic or run down...there was this interesting skunk sighting on my stroll home tonight. one little skunk trotting after another little skunk. a smelly love affair, no doubt, but everybody's gotta mate sometime, yeah? yeah.
plus, the cat's curled up next to me, happy to have reunited...we have been quite distant here recently with my sudden change in schedule.
looking forward to sleeping past 7 a.m. tomorrow and hoping you're all revitalized out there, too!
the "mass amount of energy" I wrote of yesterday quickly dwindled down to nothing today as I attended both jobs and so conveniently forgot to eat through out the majority of my day and night.
the occasional late night spent devoted to work and making some extra dough is almost not worth it, when I spend an hour desperately seeking parking afterward, only to awake in the morning with another parking ticket to add to my impressive collection because I...apparently don't know how to read signs past a certain level of frustration.
I don't mind the run-on sentence, I don't.
anyway, not to sound entirely pessimistic or run down...there was this interesting skunk sighting on my stroll home tonight. one little skunk trotting after another little skunk. a smelly love affair, no doubt, but everybody's gotta mate sometime, yeah? yeah.
plus, the cat's curled up next to me, happy to have reunited...we have been quite distant here recently with my sudden change in schedule.
looking forward to sleeping past 7 a.m. tomorrow and hoping you're all revitalized out there, too!
Feb 18, 2010
Feb 17, 2010
wow, I am suddenly a "normal" human being (as my mother would put it.) getting up at the crack of dawn to do "office-like work" by day and in bed by night.
ironically enough, the only point in which I obtain slews of parking tickets always begins and ends with these sort of "normal" obligations and work habits.
in any case, I'm just trying to mix a little "with the flow-go" and "stability." fine tuning...that's okay, yeah?
the vitamins seem to be rewarding my body with mass amounts of energy and less fatigue..though I will say...6 a.m. does bring with it a bit of exhaustion and delirium.
I don't even know if vitamins kick in that quickly...I am loading up, though.
anyway, the busier I am, the less I have to dissect ever single, solitary thing that makes up the earth and human behavior...so that's a plus.
I did experience an unusual bout of anxiety today...but I think that's in knowing that for a large portion of the day I cannot simply power nap, read a few chapters of a book, go for a walk or entertain writing.
but there is the discipline aspect of things...so, again, I'm taking this day by day and just doing my best to improve my life quality and others (if and when possible.)
ironically enough, the only point in which I obtain slews of parking tickets always begins and ends with these sort of "normal" obligations and work habits.
in any case, I'm just trying to mix a little "with the flow-go" and "stability." fine tuning...that's okay, yeah?
the vitamins seem to be rewarding my body with mass amounts of energy and less fatigue..though I will say...6 a.m. does bring with it a bit of exhaustion and delirium.
I don't even know if vitamins kick in that quickly...I am loading up, though.
anyway, the busier I am, the less I have to dissect ever single, solitary thing that makes up the earth and human behavior...so that's a plus.
I did experience an unusual bout of anxiety today...but I think that's in knowing that for a large portion of the day I cannot simply power nap, read a few chapters of a book, go for a walk or entertain writing.
but there is the discipline aspect of things...so, again, I'm taking this day by day and just doing my best to improve my life quality and others (if and when possible.)
Feb 16, 2010
I've come to realize that when you have outside opinions explaining the "hows" and the "whys" and the "what's what..." it just muddles everything. Absolutely everything.
If what I've sought cannot be found..or I am doing my usual (fine) job of creating fiction amid a looming reality...I generally still choose to run with the fantasy. (That's where I want to be.) With the fantasy...
Even a story has to end...so why abandon it half way through? Me, I'll see it through.
Eventually, the truth of any circumstance will surface, will reveal itself.
Like nature, we cannot stop that which is already on the way.
All the preparation in the world won't hide the destruction that disaster creates upon arrival.
It is what we choose to gather in survival, what we steadfastly hold onto...it is the precious few things that we keep near enough to us, to want to save, to keep amidst the havoc.
If what I've sought cannot be found..or I am doing my usual (fine) job of creating fiction amid a looming reality...I generally still choose to run with the fantasy. (That's where I want to be.) With the fantasy...
Even a story has to end...so why abandon it half way through? Me, I'll see it through.
Eventually, the truth of any circumstance will surface, will reveal itself.
Like nature, we cannot stop that which is already on the way.
All the preparation in the world won't hide the destruction that disaster creates upon arrival.
It is what we choose to gather in survival, what we steadfastly hold onto...it is the precious few things that we keep near enough to us, to want to save, to keep amidst the havoc.
Feb 15, 2010
Feb 11, 2010
Intermuscular b12 shot-check
vitamin c (1000 mg)-check
pomegranate extract antioxidant (healthy source of energy)-check
omega 3-6-9--check
3 glasses of orange juice-check
3 meals today-check
new cell phone number, email, comment approval on blog, and specific blockage on facebook to where no one at this point who is not my friend can even search for me--check
now crossing fingers for a nights rest and avoiding the regular insomnia...
get healthy, that's the plan...!
not worry about things that need not be worried about, that's the plan.
second job searching, that's the plan.
apartment searching for April, that's the plan.
collaboration with musicians by May, that's the plan.
And guess what...I don't make a plan to make plans...I put it into action, even if it takes me a good minute.
I am pale and tired looking. I feel like I'm getting so old but I'm ready to reverse that! I get so numb sometimes focusing on survival, trying to ignore my heart, trying to keep balanced with my rest and health.
my body is so incredibly sensitive to change, to excess, to routine, to climate, to stress, to extremes...I am going to get back into meditating, join a gym Monday, figure out my finances yet again, get to sleep even if I have to get a prescription temporarily.
I want to be balanced. I am determined. I am so, so close. I want to be closer.
no more bad energy, soul sucking, verbal abuse, manipulation, sleep deprivation, or laziness.
I will get up and out and on and I will make my life everything that I have imagined it to be and I will love me so much that the love of another isn't even necessary...just a nice added bonus.
vitamin c (1000 mg)-check
pomegranate extract antioxidant (healthy source of energy)-check
omega 3-6-9--check
3 glasses of orange juice-check
3 meals today-check
new cell phone number, email, comment approval on blog, and specific blockage on facebook to where no one at this point who is not my friend can even search for me--check
now crossing fingers for a nights rest and avoiding the regular insomnia...
get healthy, that's the plan...!
not worry about things that need not be worried about, that's the plan.
second job searching, that's the plan.
apartment searching for April, that's the plan.
collaboration with musicians by May, that's the plan.
And guess what...I don't make a plan to make plans...I put it into action, even if it takes me a good minute.
I am pale and tired looking. I feel like I'm getting so old but I'm ready to reverse that! I get so numb sometimes focusing on survival, trying to ignore my heart, trying to keep balanced with my rest and health.
my body is so incredibly sensitive to change, to excess, to routine, to climate, to stress, to extremes...I am going to get back into meditating, join a gym Monday, figure out my finances yet again, get to sleep even if I have to get a prescription temporarily.
I want to be balanced. I am determined. I am so, so close. I want to be closer.
no more bad energy, soul sucking, verbal abuse, manipulation, sleep deprivation, or laziness.
I will get up and out and on and I will make my life everything that I have imagined it to be and I will love me so much that the love of another isn't even necessary...just a nice added bonus.
Feb 10, 2010
When I write, I generally write from either personal experience or observing others personal experiences that have deeply affected or impacted my own life.
I write for therapeutic reasoning, for self-expression, for others to find relation here in my writing...
My aim is not to hurt, my aim is not to violate...but my experiences are something that I do feel a desire to share.
My mother never cared much for it, but I've been this way my entire life. She has always said, "Kayleigh will be Kayleigh and no one can stop her."
Which was true...until it wasn't. There were all of these years, so many of them there were, in fact...where I was not Kayleigh and people could stop me...and very easily.
I grew up feeling so ostracized that I began altering myself to the liking of others. In school, I was "weird," I was "crazy," and I was "different." There were so many labels and none of them ever made me feel good about myself.
I didn't fit into any specific clique because everyone was scared to be my friend at the expense of what others would say. I cannot tell you how many dozens of long, inspiring emails I received AFTER I graduated from peers admitting that they had secretly always wanted to be closer to me and I had on occasion even changed someones life, (in their own words.), etc.
When I received these messages at various points in a three year period...I began to see a bit more clearly, but undoing years of rejection was obviously going to take a lot more than a dozen emails.
It has taken me at least five years to fully recover from being bullied, made fun of, and even early on bits of physical abuse...five years to squash that fear of being sincere, that fear of being myself.
Reading this, if you are one who has found yourself close to me, you may be thinking "hmm, I've not known you to hold back too terribly much," and even when I wasn't necessarily holding back much...I was in ways that were not visible...and I was always concerned whether my behavior or my thoughts or my writing or my lyrics or anything that belonged to me, that I created, that I owned, that I reflected or exuded...was "normal," was "okay," was "worthy."
Until now...
This will likely only mean something wonderful to me...but I have found my voice again, I wear what I want, when I want without the concern, I dance how I dance, I sing how I sing, I write how I write, I speak how I speak, I love how I love.. as hard and deeply and as much as I want to, I want what I want, do what I do, I am what I am...and in most cases, there will be little to no editing, little warning, and seldom an apology on behalf of me (unless I've done something I know has hurt someone or I've done something that I deem morally corrupt.)
Anyway, as the growth continues, I will continue to blog or journal about it... and any regression will likely be notated, too. This allows me to see that I am, at the very least, always striving.
As always, thank you for reading and please always be, be, be who you be.
:o)
I write for therapeutic reasoning, for self-expression, for others to find relation here in my writing...
My aim is not to hurt, my aim is not to violate...but my experiences are something that I do feel a desire to share.
My mother never cared much for it, but I've been this way my entire life. She has always said, "Kayleigh will be Kayleigh and no one can stop her."
Which was true...until it wasn't. There were all of these years, so many of them there were, in fact...where I was not Kayleigh and people could stop me...and very easily.
I grew up feeling so ostracized that I began altering myself to the liking of others. In school, I was "weird," I was "crazy," and I was "different." There were so many labels and none of them ever made me feel good about myself.
I didn't fit into any specific clique because everyone was scared to be my friend at the expense of what others would say. I cannot tell you how many dozens of long, inspiring emails I received AFTER I graduated from peers admitting that they had secretly always wanted to be closer to me and I had on occasion even changed someones life, (in their own words.), etc.
When I received these messages at various points in a three year period...I began to see a bit more clearly, but undoing years of rejection was obviously going to take a lot more than a dozen emails.
It has taken me at least five years to fully recover from being bullied, made fun of, and even early on bits of physical abuse...five years to squash that fear of being sincere, that fear of being myself.
Reading this, if you are one who has found yourself close to me, you may be thinking "hmm, I've not known you to hold back too terribly much," and even when I wasn't necessarily holding back much...I was in ways that were not visible...and I was always concerned whether my behavior or my thoughts or my writing or my lyrics or anything that belonged to me, that I created, that I owned, that I reflected or exuded...was "normal," was "okay," was "worthy."
Until now...
This will likely only mean something wonderful to me...but I have found my voice again, I wear what I want, when I want without the concern, I dance how I dance, I sing how I sing, I write how I write, I speak how I speak, I love how I love.. as hard and deeply and as much as I want to, I want what I want, do what I do, I am what I am...and in most cases, there will be little to no editing, little warning, and seldom an apology on behalf of me (unless I've done something I know has hurt someone or I've done something that I deem morally corrupt.)
Anyway, as the growth continues, I will continue to blog or journal about it... and any regression will likely be notated, too. This allows me to see that I am, at the very least, always striving.
As always, thank you for reading and please always be, be, be who you be.
:o)
Feb 8, 2010
I have been subjected to enough horror in my lifetime to bypass just a little more.
at the end of the day, I have me, and me alone...feeding you my soul day in and out will simply not suffice. there is no way I can justify the effects of your illness. I only hope that you understand, I tried for as long as I could. sadly, insanity would claim grounds here,as well, if I continued to partake in this morbid state of affairs.
in the morning, when your sky has swallowed your sun and the corners of your dark room turn into sharp teeth, while the words etched on your wall spring to life, magnified and swarming...
as you reach for your pharmaceutical death in a bottle...and you crack open the glass Evian water bottles in efforts of creating these marks on your skin, symbolic of the exquisite mental torture you face...
as the walls are laughing now and the poison is swarming through your veins and your child-like features are frozen in the aging of last night...
the tears trickle down, in neglect and abandon...
your mouth is quivering in fear
and you are wringing your hands as if the anger consuming you could only wash over you.. with these simple gestures
please know, that if I felt there was anything I could do without compromising my own health...I would. and I am sorry to walk away...but I must.
at the end of the day, I have me, and me alone...feeding you my soul day in and out will simply not suffice. there is no way I can justify the effects of your illness. I only hope that you understand, I tried for as long as I could. sadly, insanity would claim grounds here,as well, if I continued to partake in this morbid state of affairs.
in the morning, when your sky has swallowed your sun and the corners of your dark room turn into sharp teeth, while the words etched on your wall spring to life, magnified and swarming...
as you reach for your pharmaceutical death in a bottle...and you crack open the glass Evian water bottles in efforts of creating these marks on your skin, symbolic of the exquisite mental torture you face...
as the walls are laughing now and the poison is swarming through your veins and your child-like features are frozen in the aging of last night...
the tears trickle down, in neglect and abandon...
your mouth is quivering in fear
and you are wringing your hands as if the anger consuming you could only wash over you.. with these simple gestures
please know, that if I felt there was anything I could do without compromising my own health...I would. and I am sorry to walk away...but I must.
Feb 4, 2010
my grandmother or "Maw-Maw," as we call her, gives the BEST dating advice.
every now and then she says, "Kayleigh, you got a boy yet?" and today (and most days) I say, "No Maw-Maw, I sure don't."
and she says, "annnnd whyyyy NOT?" and I say, "I don't know Maw-Maw, the ones that like me I don't like enough to date and the few I like can't ever figure out what they want."
and she says, "mmmhmmm, irresponsible of them."
and I say, "what do you mean?"
"Well, Kayleigh, responsible men aren't gonna string you along...they call when they call, they follow through with plans, they know what they want and they go after it."
and to that I retorted, "well, maybe they just aren't really into me."
she's so awesome, she said, "Oh honey, that's just silly, of course they're into you...they're just too into themselves and their ego to do anything about it."
and to that I said, "fair enough."
then she gave me a checklist for when I'm pursuing a man: "number one: check his bank account (he needs to have money to pay his bills and a job!) number two: check his savings account (he needs to have back up money in case of emergency!) and number three: you check his attitude, if he likes his dog more than you, he's out!"
honestly, she's so funny and adorable.
anyway, in other news, in case you missed it...got into a minor accident yesterday, followed by a separate incident of being pulled over, and this morning I've had to dedicate precious sleeping or reading time to being hassled by seven thousand different agents and the crazy woman herself who when asking me how I feel, remarked that she felt "kind of weird." which led me to assume she'll be claiming some bullshit injury claims too...which really infuriates me considering she jumped out of the car yesterday with no pain at all.
such is life, though, no?
pretty excited about the rest of the week and weekend...going to see Neil Gaiman speak tonight for a few hours...and a picnic on the beach prior to the speech...and an art gallery opening, artist lecture, cocktails and hors d' oeuvres Saturday night and bingo Sunday night. seems eventful enough for me!
in other news, I am sleep deprived like I've never been and my appetite is ALL off...I cannot seem to eat much of anything and awake in the morning feeling starved and grumpy.
I guess this is lengthy enough for today.
happier day to you than I've experienced thus far.
every now and then she says, "Kayleigh, you got a boy yet?" and today (and most days) I say, "No Maw-Maw, I sure don't."
and she says, "annnnd whyyyy NOT?" and I say, "I don't know Maw-Maw, the ones that like me I don't like enough to date and the few I like can't ever figure out what they want."
and she says, "mmmhmmm, irresponsible of them."
and I say, "what do you mean?"
"Well, Kayleigh, responsible men aren't gonna string you along...they call when they call, they follow through with plans, they know what they want and they go after it."
and to that I retorted, "well, maybe they just aren't really into me."
she's so awesome, she said, "Oh honey, that's just silly, of course they're into you...they're just too into themselves and their ego to do anything about it."
and to that I said, "fair enough."
then she gave me a checklist for when I'm pursuing a man: "number one: check his bank account (he needs to have money to pay his bills and a job!) number two: check his savings account (he needs to have back up money in case of emergency!) and number three: you check his attitude, if he likes his dog more than you, he's out!"
honestly, she's so funny and adorable.
anyway, in other news, in case you missed it...got into a minor accident yesterday, followed by a separate incident of being pulled over, and this morning I've had to dedicate precious sleeping or reading time to being hassled by seven thousand different agents and the crazy woman herself who when asking me how I feel, remarked that she felt "kind of weird." which led me to assume she'll be claiming some bullshit injury claims too...which really infuriates me considering she jumped out of the car yesterday with no pain at all.
such is life, though, no?
pretty excited about the rest of the week and weekend...going to see Neil Gaiman speak tonight for a few hours...and a picnic on the beach prior to the speech...and an art gallery opening, artist lecture, cocktails and hors d' oeuvres Saturday night and bingo Sunday night. seems eventful enough for me!
in other news, I am sleep deprived like I've never been and my appetite is ALL off...I cannot seem to eat much of anything and awake in the morning feeling starved and grumpy.
I guess this is lengthy enough for today.
happier day to you than I've experienced thus far.
Feb 3, 2010
a few things...
-I hate winter (even in California)
-January is my most uninspiring month..every year, January wreaks havoc on my immune system (and it's cold.)
-my other half of dental work managed to be more agonizing than the first go-round. I'm going to guess I'm allergic to anesthesia, as the after effects were equivalent to being hit in all portions of my face 10 times over.. with a bat. I was in so much throbbing pain that my body took to being excessively warm, my face took to being excessively red, and I, at one point, even began crying in front of my guy friend.
Then, I took a few swigs of his whiskey, took a handful of motrin and napped. When I awoke, I was basically back to normal...but just to reestablish my dentophobia...
Yeah...
a few other things...
-I saw a man walking an imaginary dog the other day...he appeared to be your every day guy...doubt he was even homeless. I initially imagined I was the one imagining an imaginary leash and dog...but sure enough he bent down to play with the little guy!!
-I saw a younger man in front of the water supply building (actual term or name for building has temporarily slipped my mind, so go with it) ...anyway, saw a younger man at dusk with headphones on break dancing his ass off. the fact that there was little to no sunlight, no one at all accompanying him, and he was going at it so fervidly, was what really got in my head..
-I love Los Feliz...but honestly, the parking arrangement out here has got to be the most annoying parking arrangement in all of Los Angeles and surrounding counties.
-I'm still not a fan of inconsistency..
-I came to realize if you ever want to successfully hurt my feelings, ignore a considerate text I've sent you for days on end.
That's all for now...I have errands to run.
Good day loyal blog readers. :o)
-I hate winter (even in California)
-January is my most uninspiring month..every year, January wreaks havoc on my immune system (and it's cold.)
-my other half of dental work managed to be more agonizing than the first go-round. I'm going to guess I'm allergic to anesthesia, as the after effects were equivalent to being hit in all portions of my face 10 times over.. with a bat. I was in so much throbbing pain that my body took to being excessively warm, my face took to being excessively red, and I, at one point, even began crying in front of my guy friend.
Then, I took a few swigs of his whiskey, took a handful of motrin and napped. When I awoke, I was basically back to normal...but just to reestablish my dentophobia...
Yeah...
a few other things...
-I saw a man walking an imaginary dog the other day...he appeared to be your every day guy...doubt he was even homeless. I initially imagined I was the one imagining an imaginary leash and dog...but sure enough he bent down to play with the little guy!!
-I saw a younger man in front of the water supply building (actual term or name for building has temporarily slipped my mind, so go with it) ...anyway, saw a younger man at dusk with headphones on break dancing his ass off. the fact that there was little to no sunlight, no one at all accompanying him, and he was going at it so fervidly, was what really got in my head..
-I love Los Feliz...but honestly, the parking arrangement out here has got to be the most annoying parking arrangement in all of Los Angeles and surrounding counties.
-I'm still not a fan of inconsistency..
-I came to realize if you ever want to successfully hurt my feelings, ignore a considerate text I've sent you for days on end.
That's all for now...I have errands to run.
Good day loyal blog readers. :o)
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