lie your head on my chest
so I may fork through your hair
and describe all of the moments that I will find there
I've been tumbling with you
in those old Texas plains
and though we haven't left your bed
we've been traveling for days
but when the sky got a little misty
and I broke out in a scream
you did not even try
to inch away from me
wrapped your body firm around mine
placed your palm upon my face
whispered, "baby you will be fine"
took me to a kinder place.

I miss you too angel.
I hope you are well.
I miss your kind face.
It pains me to keep this distance but I do hope from the bottom of my heart, with everything I can muster, that you are feeling beautiful and happy.
And I love you, always.

I hope you know that despite these circumstances.

In my time spent away from Facebook, since deactivating it...I have managed to land a second interview for a job in which I requested 5 dollars more than I have ever made in this specific position before, payed the deposit and first 2 months of rent in a nice little home in Santa Monica, obtained all but one of my 5 W-2 forms (which was quite a hassle), grocery shopped and made a big breakfast (which is incredibly unlike me), AND most importantly, finally, finally, finally sat down and written my novel outline (which I had zero idea what it would consist of or what even my story would be) and now, I have a very specific idea of the exact plot, characters names and personality traits, setting(s), and ending.

I feel brand new.

defeat. almost.

veering toward depression.

I'm really, awfully tired.

we used to yearn for simplicity.
we'd say, I'd like to go here and there and away from this...away from it all. see the earth and watch what blooms by morning and dies by night...I'd say, Oh, Morning Glory...and you would understand.
what were we looking to escape, though? small towns? big cities? insincerity? our own awareness?
now, I'm perfectly comfortable positioned here, this way, in this place, with all of this concrete, this glass, these metal scraps.
I don't know where to place my hands anymore, in my lap, behind my back, in your hand...
I've never been more suspicious.
I've never felt more displaced, more foreign, more... expendable.
thinking and feeling and never knowing which or whether are causing harm or happiness. your words were always so poignant but I didn't know then that you were a writer.
there was this earthly aspect to you...
you were strong like the oak tree, fluid like the ocean, gleaming like the sun.
there was never another quite like you.
I wish we could stop getting older, I wish this place didn't change us like it does.
I'm stepping out and aside now to try and remember why I came and what's more what I'll do now that I'm staying.

I am entirely too tired to deal with all of the little catastrophes that have suddenly come pouring down on my head.

down in the dumpy dumps.

I've got nothing.

When I do, I'll let you know.

mustn't be so neurotic
mustn't think so deeply on one such subject
mustn't scold myself for the incessant spewing of the tongue, rather be more conscientious and aim instead toward a fitting silence
mustn't be so hard on myself
when
experience yields wisdom
and
wisdom yields serenity
well I,
yearn for the solitude
I knew before I ever...
learned to speak
and you,
with your presence
and your peace of mind
inspire me
to redirect my aim.

-I did a test shoot for the first time in half a year...and I rolled my eyes in that knowingness that fell over me when they mentioned that they would be sticking 50 straws in my head to create an...AFRO.
-hair stylist was soon to be on my shit list for her ceaseless clumsiness with the bobby pins she was scraping against my sensitive scalp, the aggressive manner in which she brushed my hair and her foreign defensiveness (which lasted all night long).
-apartment/studio searching is disastrous. some of the landlords are 75 year old invasive men with scary teeth that tell me how much they like my boots while looking me up and down... I often stay closest to the door in case I need to make a run for it.
these guys must be all kinds of professional at PhotoShop because what appeared to be a nice little place in the ad soon turned into what I consider mystery murder shacks with air is so stagnant I could choke.
then there was the woman with the one eyed cat. I shit you not! there was his eye and...then there was an eye socket missing an eye. which at first you're like, aww, poor, sweet KITTY! and then you listen to her a little longer and you start thinking maybe she's lured you to her house in efforts of chopping you up and placing you in her cauldron where the rest of the suckers like me are brewing...and to think...all we wanted was a place near the ocean with some nice lighting.
I could go on...but I'll spare you. actually, you might enjoy it all, but I'm sparing me the recollection.
-I hit a car today trying to be responsible and wear my earpiece while talking on the phone. first and last time I do that again.
-is it just me or is it currently, bitterly cold?
-I went to dinner yesterday by myself bundled up in multiple jackets wearing no makeup and I got hit on through the entirety of my dinner (from across the restaurant) what up wit dat?
how am I to finish my spicy noodle with this guy and his 21 question game? worst way to hit on a chick, I don't care how cute you are. don't f with my dinner.
-I think there was more but I'm really quite tired.

I had a tremendously rough weekend...but my determination is only growing.
In fact, I am starting to think that perhaps setbacks whether emotional or situational press me to try harder and become more organized.
Today has consisted of nothing short of organization and scheduling.
Things couldn't be tidier, in their proper place, and what I thought was an endless list of things to take care of has dwindled down to a mere 5 or 6 more tasks.
Patting myself on the back right now!
Though, I do believe tomorrow is going to kick my ass. And Wednesday calls for excessive laziness, seeing as how Thursday is my birthday and I want to put my party dress on.

A few things:

-I parallel park quite well under pressure (if I do say so myself!)
-I spent a portion of my Saturday night wiping and cleaning a kids ass because he had a bad case of diarrhea (good thing I love him!)
-I am thoroughly exhausted with trying so hard to get ahead again.
-I am spending my Sunday dedicated to finding a nice, cozy place to live on the West side.
-I've been invited to so many cool things and must apologize for the time I've taken to myself, please don't stop inviting me...I swear I'll socialize again soon!
-My birthday is Thursday and I'm making spiked punch...(it's going to be amazing...and if it isn't... everyone better at least act like it is)
-my latest favorite pastime is sitting in bed with a heater fan blowing on me and staring at the ceiling..(how's that for odd and lazy?)
-the cat really gets into it too...he jumps up on my belly and outstretches his neck into the fanning heat and I swear he smiles.
-refrigerated fun-sized twix bars are a cause for happiness.
-I like to listen to my roommate play Chopin on the piano...
-I bought this cute little causal red purse a few weeks back...it's great but it's too small. let's be honest, anyone who knows me knows I've always sported a Mary Poppins bag for a reason.
-this seems very "me" centered...it probably could have ended after praising myself on my impeccable parallel parking and that bit about what I spent some time tonight doing (though I know that's probably tmi for some of you.)

.shitty people. or is it ignorance?
example 1 through...?

a shitty and/or ignorant person might...
-steal your parking spot when they can clearly see that you were there first (with your blinker on)
-lay on their horn for three minutes because you are driving 5 miles below the speed limit in a desperate attempt to find street parking
-press the elevator button repeatedly because their rush is more important than anyone else getting on the elevator
-speed up when you try and get into another lane
-recognize that you're not quite in the line at CVS (does anyone know where those things actually begin, anyway?) so they cut in front of you ...and you wait another 20 minutes to be acknowledged by the pharmacist.
-get to the stop sign after you and proceed to drive first anyway
-drive through your lane from the other side of the intersection when the light gave YOU the green arrow
-hold the door open long enough for you to think it's safe walking through then absentmindedly let go as it succeeds in hitting you in the face
-take up two parking spots as opposed to one
-doesn't stop driving when you (the pedestrian) is walking across a "pedestrian walkway"
-pull up next to you with techno rap booming over your love ballads
-be the guy at the grocery store who assured you 1 paper bag and your 10 items in this particular bag would "not" break...but then it did

-to be continued..

mood swings at an all time high today.

apartment searching on the west side is brutal, to say the least. I can't find anything remotely decent under 1400 a month.

I was approved for the box on the beach but upon revisiting it with a friend we decided it was not something that I would be happy with, rather something I wanted out of impulsivity and a desire to have my own place.

anyway, kind of want to go to bed for the night and wake up chipper again.

current reads (when I'm taking the time to do so):

The Book of Laughter and Forgetting-Milan Kundera
The Dada Painters and Poets-Motherwell
Naked Poetry-Various Poets
Tropic of Capricorn-Henry Miller
and rereading American Gods-Neil Gaiman

apartment searching with a year and a half's worth of atrocious credit accrued (and all in collections) is...well...rather difficult (even paying a very large sum upfront).

to live in what is basically a thousand dollar, smaller than I ever bargained for box of sorts, right off the beach or not, is the question?

I mean...there's the beach...and all things convenient...and no roommates...but there's the endless amount of noise I fear I will hear that will forever exacerbate the insomnia, the fact that writing songs will still be heard by neighbors, and the fact that the studio is without a stove. (not like I cook too terribly much anyway...but still).

again though, there is the beach. and I am a child again at the sight and sound of one.

the idea of a roommate makes me want to live in a cave. Nothing personal, of course... I feel I need the space to myself merely for the sake of my creativity which I feel like is on permanent hold anyway.

anyway, that's news here. I should also look into some pretty regular work that pays the bills too, as scraping by for almost a year now has been less fun than I imagined and getting heaps of debt off of my shoulders would make for a more sound version of me, all around.

pocket-sized version of youuuu please!