had a conversation with my mother on how much I would love to get Lasik on my vagina. when she looked horrified, I couldn't fathom why... until I realized that I had meant to say "Laser" (as in hair removal, people!) and seeing as how eyes and vagina's are slightly different...you can only imagine our laughter... once I realized the mistake I made.

anyway, I figured the conversation wouldn't be the same as it was in person...so if you care for the actual dialogue, I've decided against writing it, but have no problem reenacting for you. (since it was awfully funny)

also, I can see how this could be a bit inappropriate but really if you've never intentionally or accidentally made vagina jokes, I highly recommend it. and specifically with your mother present...

:)

It's so hard to leave...and yet...so vital that I do.

Marshy plains all in sight. We drove halfway there at war. Until I saw that she was crying. But when you're at that point, there's no sense in affection. And she wasn't crying over me...she was crying over him.

And if I ever find him...

I have my headphones on but her music is so loud that I can't hear a word of my own.
That's the point.
It's all a part of the war.
I pretend otherwise, though. She probably can't fathom how I could hear over it all, but that's part of this particular defensive little game...
Pretending not to notice.

So, she'll pretend her head isn't throbbing what with her rebellion and all of the fucking noise he caused here. I'll imagine I can hear my music. And that the dreary sky doesn't symbolically sum up this day and trip entirely.
That the tears rolling down her face, mapping where the makeup once lay...isn't a sign that we are unquestionably sad. Unquestionably sad for the circumstances at hand. And for the ones behind that hand.

But-- we are not so dysfunctional as I have found most to be. And that is because we lay it all out on the table. We are honest. No holding back. What you see is precisely what you get.

And you'll always, always know ahead of time.

We are a family of little shame. We laugh at ourselves frequently. We laugh and we argue and sometimes we cry and we go to bed and we wake up and we do life all over again.

That's the thing...we all do life all over again. (And hopefully with fewer complaints than yesterday!)

"Pancake?"
"Sure..."
"Hey! why the hell is he looking at me that way?" "Tell him to stop looking at me like that."
"Who drank all the orange juice?" "I have blood sugar problems... YOU KNOW I HAVE BLOOD SUGAR PROBLEMS!!..."
"What sort of blood sugar problems do you have?"
"Too high or too low?"
"I don't remember...but the doctor said..."
"You're so full of shit."
"You want blood sugar problems...you hypochondriac."
"Mom, she's a hypochon..."
"Your sister has blood sugar problems, leave her alone!"
"Look, I don't actually know if I have blood sugar problems anymore, I do know that I want that goddamn glass of orange juice, so can we just split it?"
"You're always sick ...don't touch it! Just...just get me a glass and I'll pour some in a cup."
"Wait...so NOW I'm always sick...???"
"Well, yes, you see...Hypochondria...that's a sickness...and no one here wants it!"
"Just give me the fucking orange juice"

No matter how many times I come back here, everything is just the way I left it, everyone unchanged...unless you count the traumatic events that managed to transpire over a years time.

Sometimes when I leave here...I can't feel anything at all. My brain doesn't know how to properly cope with the onslaught of knowledge...the observations... along with the confessions.

Other times...other times when I leave here...I am...

God...I don't even know.

But the impact..is like nothing I've experienced elsewhere. Whether it be for good or for bad.

You, you have such an impact here.

if I could, I'd whisk you away from here. I'd keep you next to me until you were well again. I'd tell the whole fucking world to stay away from you...until you wanted them back here. until you were ready for them. I'd stroke your sweet head and read you to sleep...you can talk about it til youre blue in the face. I won't fucking judge you. I won't even act surprised. I love you. I'll never, never abandon you. I'll give you my sanity, my heart, my lungs. you want it...you can have it. I would kill for you.

angel, there is nothing I wouldn't do to purge you of what he did to your body and mind. and if you want, I won't be angry with him. I'll do my best to understand. but seeing you this way...it's like my body rejecting my heart. the two don't want to be a part of the same process anymore. I can't begin to tell you how hard it is to know...and not find him and...

the heart is not rational, you see. in your fury to love him, I have a fury to destroy him...and in his fury to keep you, he killed everything inside of you.

and now we're all at loss

because we want you back...

not in pieces
shipments
or installments

not ten years from now when maybe you've healed

we want you right now.

how could anyone...

I'm not quite yet active with the blogging.
I swear, it's like two things absolutely mustn't go on at once in my world.
If I'm writing songs, the focus is completely taken away from blogging or my feeble attempts at finishing stories.

In good news, I have written 2 songs in 2 days. Though, the second isn't complete. I'm beside myself with excitement at actually finishing something I start. It's never felt so effortless. Who knew that a month of stress, food poisoning, allergic reactions to medication, airport trauma of sorts, a propensity for overspending...

Anyway, maybe the last project went to shit for a reason. Maybe loss was for gain. The fact that some nights I wanted to stick pencils in my eye listening to lyrics that I was not necessarily content with and were only based around my experience, but not by any means, my own lyrics, all makes sense now.

The fact is, now it's mine. Solely mine! I had to start anew...but it seems reasonable to me.
Something I can begin and finish. Pour my heart into. Make as weird as I want.
Not follow any commercial theme and just trust that it will be great. (even if that sort of trust isn't even remotely natural or instinctual to me.)

Maybe coming home was the trick. I don't care if these people hear me writing and singing. Anywhere else, I wouldn't do it unless there wasn't a soul around and I firmly believed that no one in the building would be able to hear me.

Fear like that will always stifle.

I don't want to be fear based.
I don't want to be stifled.

I don't want to be judged and affected.

I want to believe, firmly believe in myself and everything that is a part of me.

L.A. you were never more missed than when I left you.

interesting that the only thing in a years time that had changed was ...me.

my days here in Austin are filled with brunches, lunches, dinners and then some with various people. I'm thoroughly worn out and over traveling and in great need of some "me time". with that said, I'm also overjoyed to rekindle with warm souls here that I often forget I shared such an inexplicable connection with.

some friends say L.A. has changed me, that I'm void of a lot of hope I once had, that I'm "jaded" ..."cynical." one friend inquired that I was not an atheist? no, no atheist here, just no religion, no bible referencing. God as something inside of me, not something condemning me to the fiery pits of hell.

no illusions.no fog.no fiction.

I like my hot chocolate made with cocoa powder, not chocolate syrup and milk. chocolate syrup and milk heated ...that's hot chocolate milk. there's a distinct difference in taste. if my water tastes funny, I want a new water. if my burger isn't cooked medium, I will send it back. if I'm out and I don't feel comfortable in my environment, it isn't because I'm not surrounded by models and producers and what not ...L.A. hasn't changed anything about me that didn't always exist. I just know what I like and I don't sit back and squirm, meek and feebly, anymore.

I'm not so blindsided. Not so delusional.

I'm taking my lessons and putting them to use. some of them it took a few times before I'd ever take responsibility, but L.A. has done nothing for me except open my eyes to humanity. not that we are bad or good, that we are human. I've been hurt and I've hurt. I've met crazies and I've been crazy. the first 8 months of L.A. I was quite sure would resort in me losing my mind or moving to Argentina to farm.

I needed to be soothed. I drank alcohol every now and then and did things, maybe I wouldn't have done prior to the drinking. but I didn't do it because I was drunk, I did it because it was always there ..that desire. alcohol was justification, it was an excuse to do things that may otherwise be deemed impulsive or immoral. I wanted a warm body and I found one. in the end, I was still cold and confused...but I learned what I ultimately wanted and that my defense mechanisms, the subtle ways we lie to ourselves, and alcohol taking responsibility for my behavior was absurd. I learned that I couldn't entertain things that I could put up with but secretly wanted more from. I learned that I didn't have to hate myself for my emotions, for my attachment. I didn't have to hate myself for my desires. I learned more than you or I have time to write or read here.

when I opened my eyes to the fact that people everywhere are, in essence, very much the same... when I realized that I'm not superior to anyone or anything and that their circumstances could very easily be MY circumstances, that we could all fall short when we least expect it ...

I learned that Los Angeles was HOME.

and there is nothing and no one I regret. everything about me and everything about you is perfect in whatever way that it is.

I don't expect any one of us to be what we aren't. I don't expect things to be easy or difficult or forever flowing.

I just want to take it one day at a time.

--Day 1 back in Austin--

Thanks to the preventive meds. the doctor put me on to decrease chance of infection after a minor surgery, I spent the later portion of my night or early portion of my morning, face to face with a toilet bowl. My body violently purging itself of anything and everything I had eaten yesterday. How lovely.

And welcome home!!!!!

Between small town Illinois and its lack of absolutely everything, the 5 hours spent at the airport, the flight from hell, and the bathroom floor I curled up on heaving and shaking, I can tell you there won't be anymore traveling for a VERY long time.

::Root Beer Mission::

-Brain is quite adamant on reporting essential needs of the body
-Dreams are suddenly inundated with visions of Root Beer
-Open my eyes to an alarm clock that reads: 4:47 a.m.
-Am parched
-Throat feels as if I am swallowing sharp knives
-Stuffy nose
-Damn dry air in scorching hotel room will be the death of me
-To my dismay,I realize I'm fresh out of those overpriced water bottles that the personnel so generously spread about the room (obviously to save me in this occurrence!)
-Desperately ... I call the front desk
-A quick glimpse out the window to ensure that snow has in fact, not yet stopped!
-Groggily, I throw on layers of clothing and thigh high boots
-Trudging around a building or two in efforts of reaching the main office... I find I am considerably exhausted and quite fucking cold
-But! I am inching closer and closer to destination!
-ROOT BEER AWAITS ME!!!
-Oh!! But what is THIS?! I am sliding all over the place ... What is this ...Ice?! Ice did this?!!!
-I am on my ass now. Flat on my ass now. Sharp pains shooting through my tailbone and my legs.
-Minutes later, I am still on my ass. Bitterly, I refuse to get back up, as if by furthering my suffering, perhaps I am teaching the sidewalk a lesson!
-At some point, I am hobbling toward door to get this almighty Root Beer I envisioned at an earlier point...in a dream.
-I get back to my room and I drink this Root Beer ...
-But it is not the same. In fact, I could do without another Root Beer for a long, long time.
-I haven't figured out the moral of the story, quite yet. Root Beer doesn't quite quench your thirst, so trekking through snow and ice is basically futile ...or California would have never done this to me? I'll take that trip to TX now, thank you. At least it's probably only flooding there, rather than icing over.