my first mistake last night was the champagne. but then I forgot I had any and my second mistake was the incredibly strong vodka/soda beverage I had. I suppose my third mistake was the after-party that went on and on...where I got a little excited about the Hennessey and I caved in and had quite a bit of that, which I followed with a full cup of Vodka...thinking it was water and that I was in the clear. I've slept 2 and a half hours and I'm feeling quite ill. it's why everywhere else I go, I turn down drinks...whatever did provoke this last night? dammit!

I can be such a mistrusting, defensive asshole. I really need to work on that. :/

happiness is you.
happiness is the animals..
the cat curled up next to me with his claw digging into my wrist so that I do not let go.
happiness is the 5 and 8 year old here half a week..
even rising out of bed at 6 a.m., when I hear them giggling and whispering loudly about waking me up, I cannot help but smile.
it is jumping on the trampoline with them and knowing I am giving myself some sort of whip lash all the while...
and when their mother joins in
and she and I are screaming louder than the children
absolutely fucking elated!
happiness is going on that cold, late night drive with the wind whipping my eyes so much that we put on sunglasses and then you got pulled over before we could make our grand escape to the beach.
happiness is seeing photos of my sister smiling.
happiness is making my mother laugh.
happiness is you and
happiness is me.

I play Fiona Apple when I'm pissed.

I am currently pissed.

everything you do
I hope I do the same for you

I didn't necessarily want to stitch up what was always spilling out...but had I not, I fear I would have just made one very big mess.

don't know when or what's more, how I turned it off
but more than anything I'd like it on and flowing again..

sometimes I feel like I'm floating through it all...

and everything is so good now, why can't I snap to?

what's it going to take?

a couple more naps? a few more vitamins? where's my jolt?

songwriting, how unexpected of you to hit me like you have.

maybe you will prove to be fruitful and I may feel slightly accomplished?

met a boy on the moon
a stitch to close the wound
like ointment to a sore
he heals right to the core
I like to take a drive
to traipse the countryside
whenever he's around
no trouble can be found
because whenever he's around
warmth and joy abounds.

day 3 of no sugar.

is it sad to confess that I have fantasized incessantly about giant, warm baked cookies...and opened the freezer door and thought about devouring the children's ice cream and blaming it on the brothers separately, so they never know it was me?

I am convinced I cannot sleep because of my lack of sugar intake.

no, I'm not watching my weight...I just consume so much refined sugar that it's had a terrible effect on my health and energy levels.

here's what happenes...

"I'm hungry"

voice in my head: "go cook something"

"nah'

voice in my head: "you'll feel better if you do"

"umm...you do have a...nah"

voice in my head: "well, there is (insert refined sugar product here, here, and here)"

"much better, so convenient"

Anyway, dumping sugar or taking this big break away from each other at least is really rather depressing. All the fun in life suddenly came to a halt.

Oh well, at least there are the raw bell peppers and raw radishes. sigh

photoshoot outtake. images I never actually receive but happen to find on websites. amazing how it works out for the models.
p.s. this was that delightful evening the hairstylist attempted brain surgery via bobby pins.

I can, I can, I can, I can and I will.
and if you have anything to say that does not contribute to positive growth and moving forward, you will be severed immediately from my life.

I will not let you become me.

I will remain true to myself.

I will remain happy and I will love no matter how much or how little I receive in return.

pep talks to yourself are necessary...don't be afraid to appreciate and love yourself...but maybe make a point of appreciating and loving others too.

yes, I am an animal.
no, I won't apologize for it later.

it is relieving again
to find myself in this particular space
with other people
who just want to be there too
for reasons none other than
enjoying each other
and in looking back on today there is an
ability to recognize that...
there's no pretense here
nothing so magnified
as the desire to channel the good
and weed out the bad
we are children by day and adults by night
forever young
but our heads slightly on
with the sun blazing down
on our shoulders
and seeping through tiny holes in my summer hat
there is laughter
and joy
that sometimes I thought I had forgotten
well, it is nice
to immerse myself in the good pool now
and not the bad.

in my time back on facebook I've managed to neglect all of those things I discussed upon deactivating it.
ah, but I lasted 6 days and to me, that was an accomplishment!