interesting that the only thing in a years time that had changed was ...me.

my days here in Austin are filled with brunches, lunches, dinners and then some with various people. I'm thoroughly worn out and over traveling and in great need of some "me time". with that said, I'm also overjoyed to rekindle with warm souls here that I often forget I shared such an inexplicable connection with.

some friends say L.A. has changed me, that I'm void of a lot of hope I once had, that I'm "jaded" ..."cynical." one friend inquired that I was not an atheist? no, no atheist here, just no religion, no bible referencing. God as something inside of me, not something condemning me to the fiery pits of hell.

no illusions.no fog.no fiction.

I like my hot chocolate made with cocoa powder, not chocolate syrup and milk. chocolate syrup and milk heated ...that's hot chocolate milk. there's a distinct difference in taste. if my water tastes funny, I want a new water. if my burger isn't cooked medium, I will send it back. if I'm out and I don't feel comfortable in my environment, it isn't because I'm not surrounded by models and producers and what not ...L.A. hasn't changed anything about me that didn't always exist. I just know what I like and I don't sit back and squirm, meek and feebly, anymore.

I'm not so blindsided. Not so delusional.

I'm taking my lessons and putting them to use. some of them it took a few times before I'd ever take responsibility, but L.A. has done nothing for me except open my eyes to humanity. not that we are bad or good, that we are human. I've been hurt and I've hurt. I've met crazies and I've been crazy. the first 8 months of L.A. I was quite sure would resort in me losing my mind or moving to Argentina to farm.

I needed to be soothed. I drank alcohol every now and then and did things, maybe I wouldn't have done prior to the drinking. but I didn't do it because I was drunk, I did it because it was always there ..that desire. alcohol was justification, it was an excuse to do things that may otherwise be deemed impulsive or immoral. I wanted a warm body and I found one. in the end, I was still cold and confused...but I learned what I ultimately wanted and that my defense mechanisms, the subtle ways we lie to ourselves, and alcohol taking responsibility for my behavior was absurd. I learned that I couldn't entertain things that I could put up with but secretly wanted more from. I learned that I didn't have to hate myself for my emotions, for my attachment. I didn't have to hate myself for my desires. I learned more than you or I have time to write or read here.

when I opened my eyes to the fact that people everywhere are, in essence, very much the same... when I realized that I'm not superior to anyone or anything and that their circumstances could very easily be MY circumstances, that we could all fall short when we least expect it ...

I learned that Los Angeles was HOME.

and there is nothing and no one I regret. everything about me and everything about you is perfect in whatever way that it is.

I don't expect any one of us to be what we aren't. I don't expect things to be easy or difficult or forever flowing.

I just want to take it one day at a time.